So the hardest part for me in this journey is accepting.
I have to just accept that the past 11 years of a relationship are going to go away. All the emotion I have felt for this one man has to go. Because I sure as hell cannot allow myself to keep loving him. At least not in the way I have for 11 years.
But I want to. Because I do.
And my life was “our” life. Everything I have is “us”. Photos, material possessions, memories. Our Son. And now those are going to remind me constantly of what is gone. If I was on the same page as him. If I really felt this marriage was worth dissolving I could do this a lot more efficiently. But unfortunately I feel that this is wrong.
Am I in denial? Was our life really so awful?
Is he right? Was I really just so lazy that I deserve to be cheated on and thrown to the curb?
They say the first step is the hardest. I think it’s the hardest because sometimes you have no idea what that step is.
Do I keep fighting for love? Do I give up and move on?
Well, I think he has made that choice for me. He said that he is going to look into mediation this week. So I wait. For this cruel creature to determine my fate.
In the interim I will fight for the things I know I can. Me. My baby boy. I wouldn’t categorize this as giving up, this is me taking power over my life. I will make me a better me. I am going to be the best Mommy I can be.
I will be a victor not a victim.
I have been listening today to “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten and if you need to hear lyrics to help lift you out of a place that feels dark and alone, listen to this. Please.