The stress of this is getting to me. I just lost some pretty large chunks of hair. Luckily I have really thick hair so you can’t see the bald spots.
I am still angry. I keep crying over almost nothing. He was able to turn off his feelings. But I unfortunately feel everything. It’s deep. It’s raw. My core is exposed and I have no way of closing myself off.
And it sounds selfish but I sort of just want to feel how I want to feel.
I had a friend today explain to me how I need to feel. Because I wanted to keep to myself this weekend, because I don’t want to see my friends who were “our friends”. She says I need to focus on positive and focus on myself and my little boy. It’s hard to hear someone preach to you about how you should handle this, especially when the question your parenting approach. I am trying my damndest to focus on the good. I certainly have stayed focused on that little boy. I am trying to muddle through the bad stuff and conquer this.
But for fucks sake. My life that I built for a decade, that I put my everything into has fallen to pieces. Tell me more how I need to feel and act. Please. And I do, in fact take the advice. I always do. I internalize it all. But preaching to me about my life, when you have no clue what my exact situation is like, it’s just not right. I understand that obviously every person is unique, every situation is tailored to the individual so no one will ever truly know what it’s like to be in my shoes. All they can offer me is their advice. But to expect me, to just snap my fingers and be a person who is OK with her new life, to not feel the anger and the hatred and the terrible things that consume her. I am mourning for a decade of my life lost. I will be as pissed as I want.
Why can’t I feel how I want to feel? Why can’t I process this my way?
I have had no control over how my life plays out and suddenly I have to act the way people say I need to act.