I Can’t Stop Looking Back. Wanting. Hoping. Praying.

I am so devastated.

I decided Friday I would make him dinner. I went to what was our home for 6 years and I made a quick meal. Simple. But filled with hope. I then showed up at his second job. I told him some hard to say things. I apologized for choosing to be angry with him. I apologized for my terrible words. I then told him I would not go to mediation. Mediation is for two people who agree they need to dissolve a marriage.

I don’t want to. I want my old bestfriend back. I want my life back. I want waking up, heading to breakfast as a family, packing up the jeep and going to the lake, I want those late nights watching tv together talking about our day. I want the hustle and bustle of our crazy little life. I want the partner he promised to be. I want the person I have known for 11 years.

I am going to fight until a judge tells me to give up.

So I told him. And he was mad. I ruined his plans at getting out of this easy. He told me not to do this. He told me he’s done. He doesn’t love me. He feels nothing. He won’t even entertain attempting a separation.

Do you know how hard it is to beg someone to love you and hear this over and over? I am continually reminded by him of how little I mean to him.

So I think to myself. What have I done in the past year (the length of time he says he has felt this way) to deserve this.

I am a little messy, I am a little scattered, I am a bit crazy.

I will play with the baby but neglect the dishes. I will organize the cupboards and leave the laundry. I will fall asleep without making sure the babies toys are off the floor. I am a clutter magnet and I am a … hurricane.

I am bad with remembering bills and budgeting. I spend a lot of money on food. I bought things I thought would make him happy. That he always accepted from me. But I was terrible at remembering to pay the bills. I asked him many times to really stay on top of me and help me. But I asked too much.

So here he is working two jobs, coming home cleaning the house, covering all of the bills.

But in the mean time. I worked 40 hours (before November 50) and I raised his son. I made sure he had food, clothes, was clean, healthy and provided for. In that year he didn’t carry the weight of that at all. Any parent can attest to the mental weight of that.

I had to learn how to balance, Mom life, work life, social life, and married life.

I finally was getting a groove. A new job, a new outlook. But he couldn’t give me the time.

But here I am bare boned, exposed, broken, scared. Begging him to just stop his mission of ending this. To consider further counseling. To try to date me maybe? To choose me. To choose the life he should have stayed with in the first place.

Because I am amazing. I am a passionate, loyal, funny, charismatic, flexible, goofy, understanding, forgiving, humble… I truly am great. I deserve to be given more than a few months to change my ways for him. I deserve a chance at the life I was promised.

The only thing I can think is he really does have feelings for someone else. He really is sold on a life without me. And that hurts.

I just miss my friend.

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