This Christmas.

This Christmas.

It’s killing me.

I am so happy to watch my little man look at the tree and the lights with wonder in his eyes. He loves all the commotion and excitement. He sees Santa and says “HO HO HO”. When I drive by lights in trees, he says “Hi tree! Bye tree!” and he is completely enamored with the fact that the bulbs on the tree look like balls.

But it’s me and him. No partner to share it with. We got a little tree for my bedroom and at the tree farm the families laughing and having fun nearly brought me to my knees. Continue reading “This Christmas.”

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Letters I will never send: Broken Rock Bottom Heather,

Letters I will never send: Broken Rock Bottom Heather,

Dear Broken Rock Bottom Heather,

It feels bad. The walls are closing in on you. The walls have closed in on and you crumbled around you. The rubble is burying you alive. You are suffocating. You think you are alone. You cannot trust anyone. Not even yourself.

All you can hear in your head is his voice. Telling you over and over how you failed your marriage. Continue reading “Letters I will never send: Broken Rock Bottom Heather,”

Letters I will never send: The Ex Husband.

Dear Ex Husband,

Thank you for setting me free.

While you were prepared to give up on our family and move on, I never was. I was sure that Marriage was supposed to be hard and ugly. I knew for a fact that there would be days I wanted to give up and seek a new life. But I promised you I wouldn’t. I chose to say “Yes” when you proposed to me on the beach. I wore the ring that sometimes felt like it was choking me. But I knew the good would be worth it. The days of laughing and the days of adventure. Those memories would sustain the long nights that felt lonely and desolate.

I remember my mom telling me:

You will know you are in love with someone when you hate them but you still want to love them.

I hated you some days. Your voice. Your face. The way you chewed. The way you left the seat up in the bathroom. How you always ate chicken and rice wraps for dinner. I hated how you always put work before family. I hated that you couldn’t sacrifice something as simple as cable TV to save money. I hated that you never saw me as someone you wanted to help support but someone that you had to as an obligation. I hated that you didn’t like how close I was with my family. I hated that you cherished the savings account more than your family. I hated your stupid TV shows. I hated how you would drink beer on the couch instead of spend time with me. I hated when I noticed you lied to me about even the tiniest things.

I can list more but you get my point.

Despite that. I loved you. Not just because I promised to. But because you were a good man to me. Not all the time. But I saw the good in you. I saw that you worked hard for your family. I understood that you didn’t want to sacrifice certain things because you did work so hard. Your voice sometimes said sweet things to me. Your face was home to me. You were easy to cook for because I knew what you liked. I learned to check the seat before going to the bathroom at night. I never called you out on your lies because they never hurt me. Continue reading “Letters I will never send: The Ex Husband.”

J.

J.

He is a window to world I never lived in. He is independent. He is wise. He is calm. He is kind. He has a little bit of mystery.

He also doesn’t know my past. He hasn’t seen what it was like pulling myself together after the fall. He doesn’t know the domesticated, meal cooking, mother, wife, simple life I used to live. He never saw me working 60 hours a week in retail. Waking up at noon, coming home at 2 AM. He never met college Heather. The girl who would get drunk on two beers and run around yelling nonsense. He never met the Heather that was optimistic. Always believed that people were “good” deep down. She never knew what heart break was like or if it was possible. That idiot girl who had no idea that promises of “forever” can be broken just as easy as glass mug hitting the floor.

He reminds me of a mature college aged man. Not a frat boy. But just the responsibilities of someone in college. He hasn’t had to buy a house, lay down roots, care for another human in a way that his parents did for him. He gets take-out habitually, his refrigerator is there to keep beer cold, store 3 sticks of butter and moldy salsa from a taco night. Continue reading “J.”

I know I am going to be so much more than just “OK”

I know I am going to be so much more than just “OK”

Everything has been split and moved and dissected. Our money, our debt, our possessions, our child. Everything.

So the divide is there now. I won’t get invited to things. I won’t be included in events and milestones of mutual friends.

He was invited to a Christmas Party we always went to together. Not me. Just him. And a “her” not THE “her” but a “her”. I don’t know her. I don’t care to. And I don’t need to meet her. I would have to warn her that he is cheater, liar, borderline narcissistic, self absorbed and cares about nothing but how he looks and what he has. Maybe that’s what she likes? I saw a photo and I did what EVERY other woman would do.

I broke her down, critiqued her. Called her a “down grade”. But good for him. I hope she can break her back for him like he will want her too.

So here I am. Looking at photos of this stranger with my ex best friends, the man who knew me better than I knew myself at one point. It was like being in a room and watching someone else in my life through a glass window. Surreal. It hurts a little. But not as much as I thought it would.

That is because I have wonderful people. Friends who lift me up. Family who support me. And a “him” who makes me feel like I am a goddess. Continue reading “I know I am going to be so much more than just “OK””

December 3rd. D day.

December 3rd. D day.

It’s done. I would say I am happy. I would celebrate. I would cheer. But all I can muster is sadness. A little regret. A little relief. But an intense sadness.

I never wanted this. I never asked for it. I always tried my my best and I always understood that a vow, even a vow as ancient as a wedding vow was a vow you keep.

For better or for worse…

It’s haunting to think about. I promised someone that no matter how terrible and difficult I will not leave. He did the same. Why didn’t we stay true to our vows? I held out longer than he did but at some point you have to ask yourself what you are even fighting for. It doesn’t matter who broke it, when it broke or even how it broke. We broke it. How will anyone ever trust that I can keep that vow again? I don’t think I can trust that I can.

I can blame him for cheating, no one can fault me for that. He can blame me for not being a financial contributor. It means nothing.

But it’s done. All the things we built and created we have dissolved and torn it down. 11 years are condensed into one sentence: We couldn’t make it work.

What did I learn from this? Continue reading “December 3rd. D day.”