I’m still alive.
Much to my surprise.
I spent time in the dark place. The darkest place. I wanted to just stop breathing. I wanted nothing more than to kiss my little boy before bed, lay my head on my pillow and never lift it again. It sounded better then facing my problems.
I know people say it’s selfish. People who say that don’t think first. People who say that don’t stop and wonder how tormented someone must truly feel if they think that is their only option. In my experience I have noticed as humans, most of us lack compassion and understanding for others. We have beliefs and the way we understand things, and we hold them to be true without ever imagining how life in another’s shoes would truly feel.
I was in the dark for some time. It took me pulling myself up and into the light to see that my life does have value. I am important and I am going to be just fine. I won’t always be happy. I won’t always have it easy. My life, my new one that I am rebuilding from the ground up, it’s beautiful and ugly in the same. It’s the most unsymmetrical blend of chaos, adventure, sadness, frustration, tenacity, love… understanding. But more importantly it is mine. I am creating it. I know more than ever what my pieces are made of because I picked them up. I put them back together and I carried on.
I have found myself lately reaching out and lifting up people in my situation. I see their struggle and while not one is ever the same as the other, That dark sinking feeling, the feeling that takes your choice to be happy and gives you no option but to dwell in the shadows of your mind, that feeling that breaks you down, it is not the one that will rule your life forever. Support. A listening ear. Love. If you see someone slipping into that place, love them. Pour it into them with everything you have. Never tell them that you will give them the space they need and will be there waiting for them. They may not say they need you because the darkness is choking them. They may not know they need you. Never give them space and wait. Waiting is what creates distance, and what fills in distance is more darkness. Never let it grow. Love.