It’s done. I would say I am happy. I would celebrate. I would cheer. But all I can muster is sadness. A little regret. A little relief. But an intense sadness.
I never wanted this. I never asked for it. I always tried my my best and I always understood that a vow, even a vow as ancient as a wedding vow was a vow you keep.
For better or for worse…
It’s haunting to think about. I promised someone that no matter how terrible and difficult I will not leave. He did the same. Why didn’t we stay true to our vows? I held out longer than he did but at some point you have to ask yourself what you are even fighting for. It doesn’t matter who broke it, when it broke or even how it broke. We broke it. How will anyone ever trust that I can keep that vow again? I don’t think I can trust that I can.
I can blame him for cheating, no one can fault me for that. He can blame me for not being a financial contributor. It means nothing.
But it’s done. All the things we built and created we have dissolved and torn it down. 11 years are condensed into one sentence: We couldn’t make it work.
What did I learn from this?
- Nothing is going to last forever. Nothing.
- Happiness comes as a very expensive price sometimes.
- Love is ugly.
I know for a fact, and this isn’t me just blurting it out to justify all of this. But I know for a fact that if I were to have a candid conversation with myself about how I felt about him before this fell apart, I never had that butterfly passion that I thought I could. I always expected him to grow on me. And he did. I wasn’t wild about him. But he was my friend and I figured I could live with that. Now he’s gone. I am moving on. I see it. I see that we were not compatible in ways that forever can accommodate. But is anyone?
So December 3rd I became a new box to check off. “Divorced” “Single”. My identity is now changed. For 11 years I was Heather and …Him. And now it’s just me against the world. Its scary. I’m scared. I lost my security. So no, I am not going to throw a party for this day. I am not going to toast my divorce. I will silently put it to rest as you do with things that die. You say goodbye, you try to remember the good and you put it all to rest.