Everything has been split and moved and dissected. Our money, our debt, our possessions, our child. Everything.
So the divide is there now. I won’t get invited to things. I won’t be included in events and milestones of mutual friends.
He was invited to a Christmas Party we always went to together. Not me. Just him. And a “her” not THE “her” but a “her”. I don’t know her. I don’t care to. And I don’t need to meet her. I would have to warn her that he is cheater, liar, borderline narcissistic, self absorbed and cares about nothing but how he looks and what he has. Maybe that’s what she likes? I saw a photo and I did what EVERY other woman would do.
I broke her down, critiqued her. Called her a “down grade”. But good for him. I hope she can break her back for him like he will want her too.
So here I am. Looking at photos of this stranger with my ex best friends, the man who knew me better than I knew myself at one point. It was like being in a room and watching someone else in my life through a glass window. Surreal. It hurts a little. But not as much as I thought it would.
That is because I have wonderful people. Friends who lift me up. Family who support me. And a “him” who makes me feel like I am a goddess.
J is my saving grace lately. He talks sense into me. He gives me the stability and clarity I need to not lose the little sanity I cling to. He is also my escape. When I am with him I get to be “Heather”. Not “Mom”, not the “Ex”, not the “Broken lost mess” my friends have seen. J sees me as none of that. He doesn’t treat me like anyone else. I don’t know what we are doing, I don’t know where it is going. But the adventure is enough.
I will be so much more than just “OK”. I see that. I see the light. The pain doesn’t sting like it used to. It doesn’t creep up on me. I don’t feel so fragile. I know I will break again and again and again.
But I know how to fix it. I know I am strong enough.
And I am a warrior.