He is a window to world I never lived in. He is independent. He is wise. He is calm. He is kind. He has a little bit of mystery.
He also doesn’t know my past. He hasn’t seen what it was like pulling myself together after the fall. He doesn’t know the domesticated, meal cooking, mother, wife, simple life I used to live. He never saw me working 60 hours a week in retail. Waking up at noon, coming home at 2 AM. He never met college Heather. The girl who would get drunk on two beers and run around yelling nonsense. He never met the Heather that was optimistic. Always believed that people were “good” deep down. She never knew what heart break was like or if it was possible. That idiot girl who had no idea that promises of “forever” can be broken just as easy as glass mug hitting the floor.
He reminds me of a mature college aged man. Not a frat boy. But just the responsibilities of someone in college. He hasn’t had to buy a house, lay down roots, care for another human in a way that his parents did for him. He gets take-out habitually, his refrigerator is there to keep beer cold, store 3 sticks of butter and moldy salsa from a taco night.
He plays guitar in a band, he likes to watch CNN and talk politics. He listens actively and remembers things you tell him. He doesn’t judge harshly and his opinion is never forced or offensive.
He doesn’t seem to mind that I was married. He doesn’t see me as someone’s “discarded goods”. He lets me talk about the intense difficulties I am working through with divorce, the ex, custody and all the controversy that has come with it. He wants to know more about my boy. He asks about him, he listens to my toddler stories, he likes the photos I send of me and my boy.
I have kept him separate from “Mom” Heather so far. He met my boy briefly on my birthday. But other than that I have been so scared to show him that side of me. But he seems intrigued. Not scared. Curious.
When I step into the apartment, as soon as the door shuts behind me it all stops. The Hurricane in my wake cannot get in. Its like suddenly it’s quiet. Calm. Serene. The world is out there and it just cannot get in. He provides me with the serenity my soul craves.
When he touches me. His skin makes it all stop. Suddenly I am not all alone in the gigantic scary world. There is a person, who does care.
Don’t think I am naive. I am aware that I have only spent 4 months getting to know him. I know he can hurt me. And he will. I know he is capable of mass destruction. If I let him. But he should be scared of me. I know now that I can survive anything. I know that I don’t need him. Yes I want him. But I have my boy. He is my world. J is just icing on the cake. I know now “soul mate” is a garbage concept. No one is “meant for you” despite what fairy tales made you think. Love is a CHOICE. You choose it. As soon as you hurt someone, you chose to do so. As easily as you choose to love someone, you can choose to not love them.
But for now. In these moments. J and I are enjoying that sweet delicious beginning stage. Where we kiss and it feels like your floating. We get to learn each others quirks. We can be happy and carefree and untested.