Letters I will never send: Broken Rock Bottom Heather,

Dear Broken Rock Bottom Heather,

It feels bad. The walls are closing in on you. The walls have closed in on and you crumbled around you. The rubble is burying you alive. You are suffocating. You think you are alone. You cannot trust anyone. Not even yourself.

All you can hear in your head is his voice. Telling you over and over how you failed your marriage. You failed as a wife. You failed as a mother. You failed as a productive member of society. You lack common sense. You don’t deserve happiness. You don’t deserve the family you thought you had. The life you built is all lies and you deserve all of the pain. It’s your fault Heather. You did this. You gained weight and you stopped taking care of you. You could have tried to find a better job sooner. You are too comfortable with mediocrity. You’re messy and chaotic. You are a lazy slob. No one will ever want you. You’re garbage at the curb. It’s all you will be. Ever. Someone’s trash that they tossed.

Your mind is dark. Deceptive. Full of anger and raw rage. All you can think about is hurting someone. Anyone. Emotionally you are the hurricane you have known your self to be. Lashing out and damaging what ever you can get your grasp on. You see relationships crumbling in your wake and you don’t have the energy or the heart to try to rectify the damage you cause.

Go to your room. Close the door. Turn off the lights.

Hold your breath. Close your eyes.

It’s silent.

Breathe.

That’s life. That is your life. YOUR LIFE. Not his. You. Your’s.

This feeling is not going to go away. It’s not going to stop. It might get worse. But it won’t kill you unless you let it. I cannot tell you what to do, how to feel, how to handle any of this. I can tell you that the other side of this is beautiful. Liberating. Free. It’s not easy. Hard days are harder and sad days hurt more than others. But you are a mother fucking warrior. Your strength that you think you don’t have. It’s there. You are fighting this every day by getting up, going to work, smiling when you want to cry and being the best damn Mom to that beautiful boy that you can be.

I know you are face first at the bottom. Rock bottom. You think this is it. You will never have a normal life again. No. You will not. Don’t worry though. You will work through it and it will be OK. People out there, they are routing for you. People you don’t know, people you haven’t talked to in years.They want you to come out of this and build yourself back up. Some friends will not understand your journey. Let them go. Try not cling to your incessant need to please people.

Now here is where I know you won’t listen to me:

Please try to be calm. (I know you won’t) when speaking with him. Don’t break the glass in the wedding picture frame. You will cut your knee open and get blood on your new jeans.

Seriously. Don’t throw that other frame on the floor with the pictures from your honeymoon. And then step on it in your bare feet. (Seriously WHY do you even think that will be smart?) There will be glass stuck in the bottom of your foot… Even now.

If you are going to pee on his toothbrush, try not to be too obvious. (You will sill laugh about this later if you do it though.)

Pee on his toothbrush. You will laugh about it. Still.

You will get sick. You will lose 30 lbs. You will start running. You will feel MAGNIFICENT. You will feel pretty again. You might even meet a boy. Or two. Or three that will make you feel great.

Cry. It’s OK. You will, and already have. But remember that boy. His beautiful face. His sweet voice calling you “Momom”. Running to you when he comes home to you. Your heart will melt. Hold those moments in your heart and cling to them tightly. Those are the ones that will get you through the lonely nights.

Take it easy on the beer. It tastes good. It feels good. But it will only make you hurt in the morning.

Do not. DO NOT. Let him make you think you are crazy. You are not. You are doing the best you can. You are not the reason this fell apart. While you both created this you both broke it down. He will keep lying. He will keep twisting the truth. He will blame you. But just try to remember the facts. Remember who you are. An Amazing strong bold woman who will conquer anything thrown her way.

Keep fighting. Keep smiling. Keep laughing. And kiss your little peanut.

 

 

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