Christmas was hard. Then I managed to get the flu, bronchitis and an ear infection. I spent New Years curled up on the couch with tea, a blanket and my J.
I let being sick break me a little. I missed those days when in my old life I would have someone I know would take care of me. He would bring me medicine, a cupcake, soup and he knew what I needed. He would rub my back and ask me what else I needed. He would check in on me and be so sweet and kind. Obviously I am romanticizing and possibly inflating the reality. I just can’t remember the truth. Because when things got bad, when he changed that was my new reality. A year ago I was violently ill and he found me on the bathroom floor unable to move. He barked at me to get up and left me there to myself. In pain and broken I thought maybe he had a brain tumor? This wasn’t the man I married. Maybe he has a drug problem? Who is this cruel person and why is he so hell bent on destroying me.
This time around, I had my parents. They tried to help but I was irritable and pushed them away. And my little guy fell ill at the same time. Luckily my Mom was there and loves me unconditionally. She took over with the baby. J was busy working. And he isn’t my husband. He owes me nothing.
I didn’t dare cry to him to come take care of me. It just became real that I am on my own. Just me.
J came around as I became less infectious. And he was his sweet and kind self. He cares. I know that. He made me feel less alone.
New Years Eve, he kissed my sick lips at midnight. I was a little somber because of all the past year had brought me. But I was happy. Because I powered through. And this sweet, kind accepting man was kissing me. And I felt warm and safe and all the things that the movies tell you that you will feel when you let someone in that tiny part of your soul that is vulnerable and exposed.
I hate the cliche “New Year New You” BS. Seriously I do. Why does the year need to change for our lives to change? If you are proactive, it should be new DAY new you! But I am buying into it. I blame 2015 for many things. I blame 2015 for my marriage falling apart, for losing sight of who I really am. For the rock bottom dark place I spent so much time in. But I thank 2015. For allowing me to reinvent myself. For opening new doors for me. For giving me a chance to grow and not just grow but blossom and explode into this new person. I may not have good days every day but I try my damnedest to make the best of every single day. So with that, 2016 needs to be MY year. Just a smooth one. 2014 I had a baby, got robbed at gun point, changed careers. 2015 I got divorced, moved out of my house, lost nearly all of my friends. So 2016 please be gentle because I am held together but barely.