My new reality. I have no idea what my future is anymore. Where I am going. I don’t even really know where I WANT to go.
I do know this.
Life doesn’t care what you want. Where you want to go. What you want to be. It will force upon you circumstances and you will have to adjust your desires perpetually.
I do know that I am obligated to take each day, and try to make it as good as the last.
I took my little boy to the Museum of Play. Its adorable. For a kid it must look like the coolest place on earth. There is a Sesame Street area, there is little train to ride on, a carousel, a huge plane you can play in, arcade games, super heroes, pirate ship you can play on … could go for hours about all the fun this place is packed with.
I also invited J. It is time for him to see the “Mom” side of me. He sounded excited to come. He surprises me when he seems so intrigued in that side of me. He is such a text book bachelor in his apartment, with his empty fridge, guitar and his little cat. I feel like that type isn’t exactly the “family” type.
When I arrived, J was already there waiting for us. I carried my boy in because he fell asleep on the way. J noted how good I looked even when carrying a toddler in my arms (gush!). The boy slept the whole time we were in line, my arms were killing me but I only get so many chances to hold his tiny sleeping body that I will take each one I am given and love every second. When he woke, he looked up at J, smiled, reached out and hugged him. (Be still my beating heart….) J smiled and I knew he would love today as much as the boy and I would.
He isn’t quite 2 so doesn’t understand what we perceive as fun as the same thing. He would much rather run up and down the handicap ramp then check out the awesome fun house mirrors or the replica Wegmans grocery store made for cute little people. (I believe I had more fun with those)
When we went to the car, J helped me pack up the boy and as I strapped him in his car seat he waved to J and said “Goodbye J”. As his name escaped his little lips I crumbled. Thank god I was sitting down. He knows him. He likes him. It makes the stakes that much higher now.
We still had a blast. I had a partner with me, I felt so calm and so comfortable as a group of 3. And then it hit me. We will never be a “Mommy and Daddy” group of 3. It’s Mommy and J. But I need to learn and accept it. Not get upset. Because again, this is my reality now. It just breaks my heart that his picture of a family growing up is so starkly different from what mine was. I can only hope he knows that he is loved so much and so profoundly that it doesn’t matter if his Mommy and Daddy are together because he is the most amazing little boy I ever laid my eyes on.
That night I put my tired head on my pillow and as I closed my eyes I realized how deep I am in now. J is here to stay. I have moved on. I have created a new future. Where life will let me go with this, I don’t know. But it’s clear that J is part of it now and I am excited to see where we will go together.