I am thinking it might be time for me to be honest with myself. And that will mean being honest with J.
I am not in a place where I can be emotionally involved with someone.
J was sick (my fault) and I felt terrible. I was selfish and subjected him to my germs leaving him down and out for almost two weeks. And for almost two weeks we texted. No other contact. I was moody. I was sad. I was lonely. When I had my boy I poured all of my love into him. But when he was at his Dad’s… I was lost.
So here I am.
That girl who is broken. Confused as to who she is in the world. Lost. And now relying on this man she has known for a handful of months to provide her with the sense of security she is desperate to have.
Not good. No. It’s not J’s fault. It’s me. I have a huge void in my life and I want it filled. I want someone to accept me and love my parts that make me the me I am. I put myself back together but the glue that is holding me is superficial. It’s not strong enough and I look to J to keep me whole.
But that is not fair to him.
Also. I know that is not who he is. He is sort of this lone wolf. He isn’t looking to spoil me with anything. He is looking for an equal. That is what a mature relationship is. That is what I didn’t have. I had a relationship that was sometimes 50/50, sometimes 10/90. But I know to make this work it HAS to be 100/100. Two people can’t do half the work. One cannot pull all the weight. Both people need to give their all. Always.
If I need J to keep me happy. If I rely on him to keep me in one piece, that’s putting more on him. Right? I don’t know. I really don’t understand anymore how this works.
What I had before. It worked. Well I thought it did. I’m divorced now so obviously not. But for years I was sure we were OK. I would have times where I needed support, and he had his times. But I never felt one took more burden. Until he came to me and called me lazy, a slob and all that fun stuff that will kill your self esteem.
And J. He sometimes describes his expectations of a relationship as something that sounds very cold and void of the things that I would expect. So either I am unrealistic and I need to adjust my sails or we just are not compatible?
And is it even too soon for me to have these types of concerns?
Or should I even be doing this relationship at all?
My head is screaming at me with all these questions and all I can hear is “you will get hurt”. So what. Hurt me. Do your worst. But I don’t want J to hurt. He is innocent in this. He is a peaceful calm presence that has no cause to be damaged by my hurricane.
So do I cut this off now before I rely on him anymore? Before I can hurt him anymore than I already will?
I’m just scared I am not the girl for him. I am not what he needs. I cannot keep facing that reality. I want to be enough. I want to stop being scared. I want security and comfort and I think I have been going about this the wrong way.
And J. I have that burning feeling where I want him to understand the crossroad I am at. Take it further, deeper or stop now before I hurt someone.
But J. He is so wonderful to me. Sometimes out of nowhere he tells me I’m beautiful. And he treats me like I am worthy of being loved. He looks at me, not through me. I am not a burden to him. He is defensive of me and he is thoughtful.
My life is the opposite of his. I have a toddler. I have family. I have a busy life that requires early morning and late nights. I sacrifice sleep, personal time and things like hobbies.
His life revolves around sleeping in, relaxing, playing his guitar, smoking and catching up on the political vortex of CNN.
I can participate in those events, but if we were to merge our lives into one entity, I don’t see it working out. He wouldn’t keep up. I will have play dates and daycare pickup, toddler nap schedules and meal times to adhere to, birthday parties and family parties and all kinds of crazy that comes with having a child.