I am thinking it might be time for me to be honest with myself. And that will mean being honest with J.

I am not in a place where I can be emotionally involved with someone.

J was sick (my fault) and I felt terrible. I was selfish and subjected him to my germs leaving him down and out for almost two weeks. And for almost two weeks we texted. No other contact. I was moody. I was sad. I was lonely. When I had my boy I poured all of my love into him. But when he was at his Dad’s… I was lost.

So here I am.

That girl who is broken. Confused as to who she is in the world. Lost. And now relying on this man she has known for a handful of months to provide her with the sense of security she is desperate to have.

Not good. No. It’s not J’s fault. It’s me. I have a huge void in my life and I want it filled. I want someone to accept me and love my parts that make me the me I am. I put myself back together but the glue that is holding me is superficial. It’s not strong enough and I look to J to keep me whole.

But that is not fair to him.

Also. I know that is not who he is. He is sort of this lone wolf. He isn’t looking to spoil me with anything. He is looking for an equal. That is what a mature relationship is. That is what I didn’t have. I had a relationship that was sometimes 50/50, sometimes 10/90. But I know to make this work it HAS to be 100/100. Two people can’t do half the work. One cannot pull all the weight. Both people need to give their all. Always.

If I need J to keep me happy. If I rely on him to keep me in one piece, that’s putting more on him. Right? I don’t know. I really don’t understand anymore how this works.

What I had before. It worked. Well I thought it did. I’m divorced now so obviously not. But for years I was sure we were OK. I would have times where I needed support, and he had his times. But I never felt one took more burden. Until he came to me and called me lazy, a slob and all that fun stuff that will kill your self esteem.

And J. He sometimes describes his expectations of a relationship as something that sounds very cold and void of the things that I would expect. So either I am unrealistic and I need to adjust my sails or we just are not compatible?

And is it even too soon for me to have these types of concerns?

Or should I even be doing this relationship at all?

My head is screaming at me with all these questions and all I can hear is “you will get hurt”. So what. Hurt me. Do your worst. But I don’t want J to hurt. He is innocent in this. He is a peaceful calm presence that has no cause to be damaged by my hurricane.

So do I cut this off now before I rely on him anymore? Before I can hurt him anymore than I already will?

I’m just scared I am not the girl for him. I am not what he needs. I cannot keep facing that reality. I want to be enough. I want to stop being scared. I want security and comfort and I think I have been going about this the wrong way.

And J. I have that burning feeling where I want him to understand the crossroad I am at. Take it further, deeper or stop now before I hurt someone.

But J. He is so wonderful to me. Sometimes out of nowhere he tells me I’m beautiful. And he treats me like I am worthy of being loved. He looks at me, not through me. I am not a burden to him. He is defensive of me and he is thoughtful.

My life is the opposite of his. I have a toddler. I have family. I have a busy life that requires early morning and late nights. I sacrifice sleep, personal time and things like hobbies.

His life revolves around sleeping in, relaxing, playing his guitar, smoking and catching up on the political vortex of CNN.

I can participate in those events, but if we were to merge our lives into one entity, I don’t see it working out. He wouldn’t keep up. I will have play dates and daycare pickup, toddler nap schedules and meal times to adhere to, birthday parties and family parties and all kinds of crazy that comes with having a child.

confus

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5 thoughts on “Goodbye J?

  1. A friend gave me very wise advice recently. Go as slow as you need. Take what time you need for you. If your Guy sticks around through that process, you have your answer.

    It’s hard, because I am hearing some of the questions rattling around my own head about my own new relationship. In the end, you may be answering your question for yourself. Whichever way things are going? It’s ok if you make a mistake, maybe just take small steps at a time so that you can stop easier if you do make a choice.

    Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Slow. I need to learn that. I think my head gets ahead of it’s self. I’m forgetting about staying in the moment I am in. I am constantly thinking about what WILL happen. Not quite what IS happening.

      Thank you 🙂

      Like

      1. Right now I find myself worrying a lot about making another mistake, about slipping into a relationship that will be filled with eventual regret. I so get the head getting ahead of itself. So I am trying (not always succeeding) to make sure I am taking care of myself and my needs first. I need to be healthy and happy for me. I fear the trap of using my new guy as a salve and comfort and not because I just like him for who he is. But then again, a relationship can’t grow without some level of trust and vulnerability either. Why do these things have to be so darn confusing! You got this, lady. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You know what my biggest take away has been after reflecting the past week … I (we) need to stop worrying. It could end bad for us, BUT we are FIGHTERS! So if it does, we know what we have to do to move on and learn from it. That makes us powerful forces out there in the world! We just need to learn how to get out of our heads a bit more and learn to savor all the wonderful out there!

        And it is quite hard to not rely on them as a sole source of comfort, I guess that is a balance we will figure out. I hope 🙂 Thank you for your support!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ironic, I have a dear J. Many of the same fears. Similar letters. At the end of the day, I decided I need the support. It’s okay if it’s not 100% equal right now. It might not be permanent, but it will get me through this hard time, and may help me get to 100% if J is still around great, or maybe he’ll help be ready when dear K comes around. Love your blog

    Liked by 1 person

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