J. We are venturing into dangerous territories. He gave me a Valentine’s weekend I will never forget.
I didn’t have my boy for the night so I did my hair and makeup, got a cute outfit and drove out to his apartment. The drive was terrible. Aside from the bitter cold, I could hardly see. What takes 20 minutes was an hour. I pulled into the parking lot and I sat there. I was nervous for some reason. I don’t know what he had planned. Was he going to be the type who made Valentine’s day feel forced and an obligation (all I had known). Or would he make it special. I know I had gotten him a very unconventional gift, I don’t know if he appreciates my style, not many do.
I buzzed in. Walked up the stairs and he wasn’t waiting for me in the doorway as usual. I wondered if he was going to try to jump out and scare me, since we are always pulling some sort of hi-jinx.
I knocked on his door. Nothing. I knocked again. Nothing. So i stood back and waited. Nervous still.
I heard foot steps. I heard the first lock. Then the second. He opened the door slowly and I saw just his head. He told me to close my eyes. OK. My heart was racing. He was surprising me. He led me in and helped me set my bag down. When he told me to open my eyes I didn’t. I savored that moment. Excited, scared, intensely curious.
I opened them and his apartment was lit with more than a dozen little candles. He doesn’t know this but I (like many other girls) LOVE candle lighting. It makes me feel mysterious, sexy and relaxed. I read in candle light. I take a Lush bath bomb and a book to the Jacuzzi tub in candle light. I listen to music in candle light.
Shirtless sexy J led me to his bedroom and MORE candles. I won’t keep going the rest is implied.
But it didn’t feel corny or forced. It didn’t feel like I was burdening him. I was like butter in his hands.
We went to dinner after, we were our goofy selves. We came back and relaxed in his apartment. It was a quiet night and it was perfect. I fell asleep around 1 am in his bed and he was still doing his thing with CNN and his smoking. But I woke up a bit later to him in his room by the bed, candles lit playing his guitar shirtless. I don’t know if he knows I was watching. But it was beautiful. He looked so relaxed and happy even peaceful. I almost wished I had taken a photo, it was one of those moments where you look at someone and can see who they are. He was in his element, unguarded and free.
In the morning we were laying in bed and I started rifling off my list I wrote about how I am not good for him.
He told me to stop. He was so serious.
Then he made his own list of reasons he was attracted to me. Each one was sweet. Beautiful. Every word that passed his lips made me lower my wall more and more. I wasn’t sure what to say. I am not one to take compliments well. But for a moment I saw how he sees me. I was floating, all the bad in the world couldn’t reach where I was up there. I think that might be euphoria?
For a whole day I didn’t feel like the divorced mess of a girl I always do. No poopy diapers for a day, no early wake up. I was just Heather. No Hurricane.
I don’t know. I do know I do not, can not and will not say goodbye to J.
My heart is big. Like Pluto’s!