Like waking up from a wonderful happy dream smiling and yawning, and thinking it’s a Saturday morning… Only to realize that’s your alarm going off, it’s Monday and you still need to get yourself and your toddler dressed, fed and ready to get out the door in 20 minutes.
That hectic feeling of terror right after your floating in bliss.
That’s how it felt knowing the Ex is meeting J. I was excited to flaunt my new man (upgrade) to the old man, I was also freaking out.
Ex was closing on his house. Our house. Almost 6 years to the day we closed on ours. I had some things there still, things I didn’t want, things I wish I could take, things that was painful to get. So he asked me to come down after work at gather them.
When I told J he asked if I was going alone. Of course I was. I wanted to get this done swiftly and quietly. But only 4 days before this, the Ex disagreed with me and in front of our little boy called me a “selfish bitch”. J was unhappy that he spoke to me that way and when he found out about me having to go to the house, he asked to go.
I back pedaled to try to get out of him coming but something in me thought how I would like his support for this.
So he met me there. And I rang the doorbell. To the place that was my home. When he barked to come in I turned to J and rolled my eyes.
We walked up the stairs and I introduced them. “Hey S, this is J, J this is S”. The ex reached out to shake J’s hand. It was in slow motion. OK no. But to me it was. I wish I could hear their thoughts in that moment. Maybe not. So good. The obligatory introduction is done. Sweet. We went through the house and gathered what I wanted. The Ex (GOD I love saying that now) kept trying to pass things on to me that I did not want. J, the amazing specimen that he is simply spoke up asking me “Do you really want those? Don’t take it if you don’t”. I am so passive, I let him push me around. It’s the way we worked for so long, it’s what I know.
The push back, especially from J must have irritated him so much. Good. I suffered enough. How uncomfortable must that have been, for him to watch his Ex wife and her (gorgeous) boyfriend trample through the home he is selling because he cannot afford it anymore. I hope it stung a little. I know it did for me. Saying goodbye to that nursery I carefully and meticulously decorated and dream of for our boy. It was hard. As we crammed our cars of things from years past, the Ex came out with more. J stepped up and said “Listen man, our cars are full. She doesn’t even want it. We are going to head out”.
The defeated “OK” the Ex let out. It was enough for me to smile for days.
We went inside so I could say my final goodbye to my home.
I got in my packed car. J got in his and I made my final drive from the house. I used to hate that drive back to my parents. But this one was nostalgic. So many memories, good and bad. Racing through my head while I drove. I started to cry uncontrollably and I had troubles seeing the road, breathing and reclaiming the composure I left at the last intersection.
I pulled into mom and dad’s and tried to hide the total freak out I had. J knew. And he held me in the driveway. Silently. No words needed. He earned his stripes that night.
And now I have this phrase on the tip of my tongue when I talk to him. I can’t let my self say it to him. But it’s creeping up on me. The emotion, the choice, the feeling. It’s there. Knocking softly to be let in but I don’t know when I will be able to confidently choose it.
I l……ike you more than a lot. That’s going to have to wait.