Here is where I am at.
A year ago I was fighting for my marriage and trying to change for someone else. Begging them to love me.
Now I am dating a new man, fighting my ex for respect and trying to dig through the rubble for those pieces of me I’ve lost.
I am seeing a therapist (today was my second session) to help me manage my surplus of emotions. Today she opened some pretty deep buried wounds from my past, things I have hardly spoken about or even considered to have an impact on me now. The excersise was listing the worst things that have happened to me. And I chose to start with my earliest memories and work my way up. I was left with a dark cloud over me for sure. But I am strong.
I also was prescribed Prozac a month ago… I have yet to take it.
I have a somewhat sturdy foundation of what I want, where I want to go, and who I need myself to be. I just need to manage my feelings and fears better.
I also still see betrayal everywhere I look. If a friend is with another friend, they MUST be talking about me. My dog sleeps downstairs instead of in bed, he must not love me anymore. My little guy doesn’t wave good bye when he goes to his dads, he won’t miss me. I forget to do dishes, my parents will throw me out.It’s hard to live like this.
What’s odd is I never think J will cheat, but I do think he will change his mind. Which is why this is awful but a part of me has one foot out of the door. Ready to bounce so that I don’t have to feel the burn I am all too familiar with. He has been single this long, he has said remarks that make me think he and I couldn’t mesh as a “traditional” family one day. Isn’t that why I am dating now? To find a companion and a step father for my boy? He has to know that if this keeps going he cannot possibly get by as just being my toking boyfriend who stays in his apartment all night and smokes until he cannot feel his face? Maybe he does. But I cannot POSSIBLY articulate these concerns yet. But it’s not fair to let these concerns linger unaddressed. Communication was my big lesson from the divorce, it’s time to apply my lessons from the past and make my future clear. I feel like I am asking him to change though, and that is NOT what I want. I mean he was upfront about his extracurriculars before this went to the serious zone, I never spoke up. I didn’t expect this to go as far as it did. I didn’t expect him to treat me how he does, or to look at me the way he does.
So I am stuck in this infinite loop with J. Should he stay or go. I just keep saying “ride the wave” until you need to figure this out.
So here I am, riding the wave. I never saw me as the surfing type :p
So aside from being constantly paranoid about betrayal and abandonment, and my undefined relationship with J, I am in a pretty good spot. I know what I am made of, I know that I have support and I know that life does NOT end with divorce. It begins.