I have avoided this. I can do short term goals, no problem. Like:
- Wake up tomorrow
- Go one day with out crying
- Make someone laugh
- Don’t get take out this week
But as soon as I think long term, I clam up. Freak out. Cry a bit. Panic. My pretty picture of my future is fucked. It’s gone. Nothing will be “normal” nothing will ever be what I dreamed of.
So to sit here and have long term goals, for a future I can’t quite accept is damn near impossible and actually quite painful.
But in therapy that was my homework (Due today).
I figured I needed to write to think this through, maybe pour some of the pain into words and I can make sense of it. As for my long term goals so far I can say I know I have one big one.
- Financial Stability. This is a main goal that contains sub goals.
Containing: Own a home/rent an apartment. I love Mom and Dad but I crave some personal space and solitude. I want to raise my son and not always have my mom tag along. I want him to say he has a “Home” not his “Ammi’s house”. School Debt. It’s bad. It’s scary. I know it won’t go away but I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Better credit. Will come when the school loan issue subsides
Now that’s generic. Anyone can have that goal and I am sure most people do. So that was my gimme.
I just don’t know. I mean maybe I am putting too much weight on it all. But I grew so accustomed to taking my life on a day by day basis to get by, that now long term feels so foreign and uncomfortable. But I cannot pay someone to help me if I don’t want to help myself. So let’s see..
- Take my boy to Disney by the time he is 4. That gives me 2 years to save for us! Sounds like a long time but Disney is so expensive and I am the type of person that if I do something I want to do it right!
So 2 years is long term. Disney is fun. Not too serious. I feel like that is a solid goal.
- Take on a bigger role at work. I don’t have a job where I can really “move up” but I can take on more responsibility and I can create more of a reputation for myself. I love my job, my boss, my coworkers and the company. I want to succeed and I want the company to succeed. I would like to be seen as someone who shares in the success of the company and contributes. Right now my role is mostly dedicated to supporting. I have a flaky memory lately and I am a bit slow at times. I would like to see in 5 years that I grow with the company and become someone my boss is confident in relying on.
- Make a new family for myself and Carter. I don’t know if this means get married. I don’t know what I mean. I do know I want Carter to see his Mom with a partner. I want him to see affection and compassion. I want him to know what a family can look like. I don’t know though. I mean I want a father figure in his life, I know he has his Dad. But I want him to see the balance and interaction between a Mom and well… not his Dad but A dad. Step dad? Boyfriend? It all makes me nauseous. I don’t get to have the “Mommy” and “Daddy” fun little dynamic. I can’t even define what I want because the stubborn me gets upset that I don’t get what I really want.
I should lighten up a little huh?
- Get better at Astrophotography. I would love to snap a shot of Saturn and her gorgeous rings. I have seen them. But capturing them in a photo is harder. I want to try star trail photos. So much I want to learn.
- Lose 20 lbs. ha.
- Run 10 minute miles.
- Kayak the Erie Canal.
Still have that feeling my chest. Tight. Strained. That sting in my nose right before I cry.
These are great goals. But they piss me off. Just reminds me that a part of me is still angry. Still torn.