I imagine when people see me lately, I look like that emoji with the hearty eyes.
Yeah… like that. I feel like telling anyone that will listen and maybe it’s because I know that a year ago I was in what I would classify as the worst state of mind I have ever been in. And now, my life is this adventure story and I can’t put it down. I have a way to go in working on me and keeping myself the best me I can be. But I am cultivating relationships and I am learning more than I have about myself, ever.
J. He makes my days brighter, my nights longer and my smiles bigger. His warm, calm voice soothes the worried chaos in my head. I find myself looking for his opinion in all aspects of my life because his words seem to fit, and make sense, where others would advise me but it felt forced and subjective. I look at him and I think, is this the “End Game” my tiny broken heart has been working towards? Did I really land the compliment to my wacky crazy self just months after splitting up with my husband? Is it possible? Is it even real? Am I just so disillusion that I will settle down with anyone?
No. Not my J. He is NOT just anyone. He’s a warm cup of lemon and honey tea when its cold. He is lotion on your skin after a hot shower. He is the rise and fall in your chest when you drift off to a peaceful sleep. He is the sane in my insane. He’s the glisten in the first snowfall. He is the color of the sunrise in July. He is everything that is right and he makes everything that is wrong seem unimportant. I used to think you could make someone love you. But no. You don’t make anyone do anything. But you can wake up one day and feel that you want to love someone because the thought of someone else loving them is unfathomable. You look at them and you know that you want them holding your hand through the worst of it, and you want to be the one who sees them through the darkest days. I told him something yesterday that I always silently told myself.
Do you want to sit in a nursing home, waiting to die alone? Or would like to leave this world holding someone’s hand, thank them for the memories and leave with a smile?
I want to be the one, the memories, the reason for the smile. I want to be so tangled in his life he can’t get me out. He won’t want to. I want my boy to look at him and see how he treats his mom. I want my boy to know what love looks like and to see me happy. I want a family. J fits so well in this life, I want him to stay.
He says things to me that literally make my heart skip. He went on a rant about how he “Mr. I love my apartment and don’t want to ever own a home” is looking at buying a house in the next year. He said “It’s not because I need a 3 bedroom house to myself, but I am making room for you in my future”. I ::pardon my french:: fucking melted. I died. Like jumping up and down on my bed and squealing like a giddy school girl. (Not really…) I’m more than a smitten kitten. I am being treated right, and not showered with gifts and spoiled. That’s for the birds. I am valued, I am held in a high esteem. He doesn’t just say I am hot he looks at me like I am the only woman in the world, I am all he wants and he takes all of me in. He thinks I am beautiful and he tells me often. His mind is deep and he doesn’t see anything as black and white. I want to know what he’s thinking always because he has ideas and thoughts that are profound and deep.
I had a bad day and he swooped in with logic and advice that was less fluff and more substance. And he told me that when he was down he would listen to Beach Boys: Pet Sounds Album. So I did. Wouldn’t it be Nice was playing and my mood was lifted. The entire album was a journey and he was right. Trust J’s judgement you silly girl.