Letter I Will Never Send: Dear Sweet Little Boy,

I love you.

I know you might roll your eyes when you read this. And you might not want the insight I have as you grow. But all of our stories are important and so is ours.

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified. I was not going to be a Mommy. Not really a part of my plan. I wanted to see the world and I wanted to have cool toys.

Turns out I could care less about seeing the world because you are all I need to see. And toys? I get to play with Legos now!

You grew and you grew inside me and I kept thinking “What if I don’t love him” “What if he doesn’t love me”. How stupid. I am head over heals for your sweet little face.

When i first me you, your eyes were swollen shut, you were covered in gunk and you looked purple. I was crazy about you then. Even like that. You had a full head of fluffy hair and you had a tiny beating heart that I had known for months.

I wanted to not let anyone touch you. You were mine. My little buddy for nine months. You were stuck with me through some rough times. Some fun times too! I used to talk to you while I drove, I would play a game only we knew about. “Kick if you want chicken wings”. Since you were always kicking and I always wanted chicken wings, I always won! It was a good gig we had going.

I sang some pretty bad music for you, and I fed you worse food. I took you to vegas for a few days, you wouldn’t remember it but you know what they say? What happens in Vegas, stays in vegas. Well not much happened. I was pregnant.

You made me act crazy before you were born. Right before you came I cleaned the whole house. Not just clean. Like creepy obsessive compulsive clean. I vacuumed the mattress…

My baseline for normal has never included obsessive compulsive cleaning. So this was odd.I spent a great deal of time reading books and blogs and asking friends to advise me. But I’ll be honest, once you arrived none of that stuff came in handy.

I remember one afternoon drinking cocoa and leaving the cup on my belly because it was big enough. You kicked it around like it was target practice. You kicked Riley when he rested on me, which is probably why he seems to have a bone to pick with you.

Your birth was long and well… you don’t need the gross details. But it was beautiful and absolutely the most fantastic (painful) moment of my entire life.If I do nothing else in this life, I can say I fought like hell to bring you here and I have been in love with you ever since.

I was crazy in love. I looked at you and I cried. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions the mere thought of you crippled me.

Your little beady eyes would look up at me and you knew me. That heart beat as you rested on my chest was the only familiar noise you had. My voice, though less muffled was the one who coached you as you grew. I remember thinking one day not too far away you wont let me kiss you over and over, hold your hand, rub your sweet little back, or stroke your furry head, so I will take ever single second and I will soak it all in.

You taught me more about myself and you forced me to be an adult with my two feet firmly planted. I watched you slowly change. No it was quick. It still is. Its racing. Today you used the toilet at the babysitters. I was at work. I cried. I want you to stop and then I want to watch you grow into a man at the same time.

You see being a Mommy is awful. Its like always wanting to stay dry while you purposefully drench your self with water.

You have to know you and I have only known each other for a few years (you’re 2 right now) but we have been through so much already. The biggest thing, the elephant in the room is me splitting up with you’re father. You need to know right now that we loved each other, and you’re the best thing that ever happened to us. Now you also should know that we were young when we met, we were terrible at communicating (I sense we always will) but we both love you more than we can ever express.

You need to know I fought like hell for our family and I finally had to choose what was best for you, and that was not to live in a home where you were not surrounded by anything but love. So you will never really know and maybe you won’t believe me but you’re dad and I were pretty awesome together, but people change. They grow and they don’t always have the capacity to adapt.

I know there will come a day when you know all the details but I will not divulge them in a letter.

You need to know that it was hard for me but your sweet little giggling face was what drove me to keep going. Your little life was blooming and I was determined to be the best damn mom I could be. Which is why I learned to choke back some of my worst tears for after the door closed.

The hardest days are the days you are gone. You are at your dads and some parents think I am lucky because I get a “break”. I don’t want a break. I don’t want to miss a second of time with you but how terrible would it be if you didn’t see your dad? What kind of person would I be? So I made sure to allow the most time possible with your dad that was healthy for you psychological and cognitive health. The truth, I hate it. I cry. I lay on the floor next to your empty crib wishing I could rub your tiny back. It’s the worst feeling, to know your baby is somewhere else. I can’t every write about it right now without shedding a tear. Usually I spend those nights at my boyfriends house, J. I hope when you read this J is still here. He loves you. He adores you. His eyes light up talking about you and I can’t wait to watch this love for you grow. You seem quite fond of him as well.

It breaks me to know one day, your Dad will let another woman kiss you and put you to bed. You will see her like a Mother. It kills me to know I have to share you. But I know that is what must be done. And how lucky for you, to have so many people to love love you so much you sweet little peanut.

I can’t wait to see what the future brings you my sweet baby. Your smart, so freakin smart. I am not just saying that with “mom pride’ you really are. The pediatrician was blown away at your vocabulary. You did EVERYTHING earlier than all the books told me you would. You walked by the time you were 9 months old and you have been making me chase you down ever since.

I hope you always know that my love for you is deep. You are my family, you are the blood in my veins and the only person I want by my side until my last day in this world. I will always give you all I have and I will always make sure you are safe. You never have to doubt my love for you. I hope this finds you well and I hope this only made you roll your eyes a few times.

Love Always,

You’re Mommy

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