Love is Gross

Love. Some days I think “What a stupid word” and some days I think “What a beautiful word”

Now, after learning that love isn’t some magical cure all thing, it doesn’t save a broken marriage, it doesn’t move mountains, it’s not little cupids floating around, its not roses and pretty hearts. Love looks nothing like Valentine’s day.

Love is hideous. Love is not sleeping for days to make sure your baby is fed. Love is getting to work to find that you didn’t successfully change a diaper without getting a poop smudge on your shirt. Love is not getting the last word in even if you are right. Love is ignoring the offensive odors due to excessive flatulence and kissing him anyways. Love is shaving (everything except your head and eyebrows) so he can touch your smooth skin. Love is extremely hard to do most days and easy the other few days. Love is sacrifice.

Sacrifice. Not even the big obvious sacrifices. It’s those little daily ones like letting him watch what he wants on the TV, without feeling resentful for it. Making what he wants for dinner because you know he will love it, even though you just wanted chicken on the grill. And you don’t make your sacrifice a big ordeal. It’s not true sacrifice if you have to point it out. It’s silent. And if you are in the right relationship, you don’t need to talk about it, because your sacrifice is balanced by their appreciation or an equal sacrifice that is their own.

My Mom used to tell me that you know you are in love when you can can’t stand the site of them, but you love them anyways.

I don’t agree anymore. Or at least not fully.

I think for me I know I love someone when the things that make them wonderful are far bigger than things I do not care for, and the flaws are much more manageable.

I hope I can find someone who loves me like that. That’s what I want. Not superficial hearts and roses. I want love that is gross and dirty and ugly, but I can’t tell because I am so entrenched in all the wonderful things.

I always say with my little boy, I love changing diapers, and the late nights and all the yucky baby stuff, because his little life is a gift and with this gift comes some not so easy stuff but the good outweighs the bad.

Someday someone will love me and see that my good outweighs my bad.

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