A Letter I Will Send: Dear J,

If I really air my concerns I am admitting to not just you but to myself that I am prepared to accept our demise. But if it means I protect my boy, then I will sadly part ways.

Here is my “Carrie Bradshaw” Sex and the City over dramatic monologue on why we might not work.

You make me scared and safe and the same time. I feel like I am snuggly wrapped in a warm blanket but plummeting off a 100 story building at the same time. I am caught in between wanting to let myself love you and running away from you. It can physically exhaust me some days.

I came into this knowing I was not going to try and change you. So this isn’t me telling you I want you to change. I am seeking understanding and a way to help me compromise.

You know I am a Mom. I have a little boy I care for.With all this “someday” talk surrounding us, you sparked the thought I tried to ignore for months now. I have a hard time placing you in a future with me and my boy. You value things like smoking and sleeping. I value adventure and time. I want memories for me and my boy. And I want you in them. But when I play out the movie I don’t see you in it like I romanticize. I see you telling us you will go with us to an event, but bailing before hand because you’re too tired. I see my boy let down. I see you burnt out “melted” into your couch while I read a book alone wondering how I can be better than the drugs so you will want me. I see your emphasis on sleep rubbing off on my boy and one day he tells me he wants to sleep instead of go to school, because you do it. You see, my life isn’t about me or how you treat me. That is icing on the cake. It’s about him. How your lifestyle, your values will impact him.

A few weeks back, you sent me a photo of a dark conference room. And your first thought was you wished you had a bowl. it scared me. And it spiraled me into this loop where I saw your habit as the enemy. I don’t mind staying in with you but some nights it’s not quite pleasurable to sit around and watch you get high. It gives me the impression that you need it more than just to go to sleep. You just depend on it to be content. Personally I find it to make me feel inadequate. I am not against it. I am not crazy about it. I understand it. But I can feel myself getting more and more displaced by it.

Sometimes I am afraid you cannot keep up with me. You know I told you I need to go go go. It keeps me from feeling the pain of my boy’s absence. If you can’t keep up, I can’t slow down. How will this work?

You see. I am in battle mode still. I am going to tear everything apart and look for the ways it could go wrong. Because I know it can. I know even the smallest crack will cause destruction. Maybe the horse is before the cart. Maybe for you it’s something we address later. But for me, I am not dating you for fun. I let you in my life because I want to share you and I want you in it. A lot. For a long time.

And I am not looking out for me. I’ll always be fine. It’s my boy. He is and always will be my first priority. I know you know that. But I don’t think you will always see situations the way I will.

But why would we keep going if we know how it could end? I won’t ask you change, I can’t undo becoming a Mom (I wouldn’t) I think it’s a conversation on compromise. Non-negotiables and expectations. You get the raw end of the stick on this, I get it. But I will tell you I am loyal, if I love you it’s with all of me, and I am raising my son the same way. You will always have me in your corner, you will never doubt my feelings.

 

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