I keep it in my car. It was beautiful. I loved it. I even put it on sometimes. The engagement ring and wedding band were soldered together. Glistening diamonds. The center was a princess cut diamond that always glimmered brilliantly.
Today after many days of talking about it, I pulled into the parking lot of the jeweler we bought the rings from.
I clutched my pretty little ring tightly in my fist and I walked in the store.
I saw couples. Happy. One was doing the final check before the big wedding day. Smiling. Laughing. Another was older but celebrating an anniversary looking for pearl earrings.I felt like the angry dark cloud looming over the store.
No one helped me right away. My heart was racing and my internal speak was getting louder in my head. I nervously walked around. Convincing myself to leave. Keep the ring.
But then a woman came up. She asked how she could help me. I felt terrified and relieved all in the same breath.
I explained to her that I was there to part with something, and it’s very difficult for me.
I said in a shaky voice:
“You see, I just got divorced in December. And I have this…”
I held out my hand and opened my fist. My hand was shaking. She looked at me sympathetically. And in that moment that ring felt like it weighed 100 pounds.
She took it. And she looked it over. As we talked she told me to hang in there. It gets better. She was divorced one time as well. She was kind. Her words seemed sincere, from the heart and concerned.
She then handed my ring to a manager who brought me in to his back office.
He told me he was the one who sold this diamond. I thanked him. I did love it. He then told me they don’t buy back the rings but I could get credit.
The thing is. I wasn’t there for cash. I wanted to modify the beauty that once symbolized my past present and future. I had intended to make it mine. I told him that I wanted a “Fuck you” ring.
He laughed. And said “Game on”. He told me we will spend the next weeks designing a new ring. For my left middle finger.
I left and I never saw it or touched it again. It’s in their possession. And who knows. That might be my last goodbye. I’m a bit somber. But honestly. I feel lighter. I feel like that last bit of our marriage is gone.
Just another step.