Lately. Far more often than I’d like. I get flashbacks of the fights.I get flashbacks of the good times too.
I stopped going to therapy. Not because I feel like I needed to, but because I had to.
I’m having issues with my my joints in my hands. Typing and writing (like right now) is quite painful. That is also about 80% of my job. I’ve spent over $300 in two months with co-pays, physical therapy, x-rays, blood work. Still no answers.
I broke a tooth in the back of my mouth. I have to save $600 to fix that.
But I’m also trying to pay rent to my parents since this whole “freeloader” thing is irritating me.
I am starting to feel myself spiral lately. I can’t quite cope with all of this. I think that’s why I am starting to get the flashbacks.
Last night, putting little guy to bed he was crazy off the wall. I just wanted to cuddle so bad. I was watching him play while I sat in the chair in his room. I put my hand on him and he yelled at me “Don’t grab me!” He’s two, he’s just saying it but he isn’t trying to hurt me. But what he doesn’t know is that I may look held together but its a very thin string. I cried. I tried to pretend like I wasn’t but I’ll be damned that little peanut knew. I can’t believe it. He said “Sorry Mommy” and told me to put my hand back. I laughed but I saw how he looked at me. He knew! He KNEW I was sad. I can’t let that happen. I have to be stronger.
And last week J called me out. Said I talk about “Him” a lot lately. So now I feel like I need to stop bringing him up. But how. It’s been haunting me. My dreams. My thoughts. I know it’s hard for him. I know I bring him up a lot. What am I supposed to do?
I haven’t seen J in two weeks. Studying for school. He failed his test. We are taking a weekend trip to the lake for some time together. Little guy is with his Dad this weekend. I’m clamming up just thinking about accidentally bringing up the ex. I can’t let my inability to keep my mouth shut be the reason J distances himself from me.
I need this weekend to be good. I need good days. Far far far too many baddies lately. My head feels messy, cluttered and scary.