I woke up next to J this morning. Groggy and tired.
I can’t help but smile a little (a lot) when I can feel him next to me. He feels like home. He feels safe. He protects me and he takes care of me.
But sometimes Heather needs to be a little better at taking care of herself.
After I went home from the Target incident I showered. I cried. But if you cry in the shower, its like it didn’t happen right?
I got my things and drove to J’s apartment. It takes 28 minutes. That’s 28 minutes of alone with my thoughts. That’s bad when I am in the state that I was in.
I turned the stereo up to 45… the highest it goes. I drove. I sped. My head was so loud I found myself actually humming loudly.
I was going so fast I had to hit my brakes quite hard to make the turn to his complex.I looked disheveled with wet frizzy hair, tank top falling down, but I figured he would give me a pass tonight.
I buzzed in, ran up to the second floor and he met me with the door open. Damn he is good. We giggled and laughed and I pretended like the Clair thing didn’t happen.
I ordered us Chinese and we went to the gas station for more beer.
We ate and laughed and talked and vegged on TV.
I went to change into my cheetah PJ’s and landed on the bed. I laid down and I cried. He missed me and came in and saw me on the bed. We cuddled and I gave him the low down he had been waiting all night to hear. And he was so mad. He wanted to be there. He wanted to be my warrior. He held me, and I cried. I kept apologizing.
How have we been dating for a year and he has never made me cry, but so many times he holds me while I cry?
He kissed my wet salty face. I wished so badly I could be a normal unbroken girl for him.
Its so strange to feel so happy and so gloomy in the same moment, to have someone who cares and loves you but feel so low and alone at once. Its overwhelming.
So I woke up gloomy, moody, broody but happy and lucky.
Today has been challenging. I’ve tried to find those little moments that can help me smile. Remember that my past is behind me. Those dark dark days are only bad memories. I’m in one piece. I’m a survivor. I have my baby boy . My family. And J.
I am someones bread. I fill him up. I am enough.