Good. Great. Bad. Better.

Life has been busy. Consuming. Good. Great. Bad. Better. My new standard roller coaster. Wayyyyyy better than the “Flat Line” of Shitty. Shittier. Wish I was Dead. Ok I’m Alive. I came to know that way of life far too well.

Little guy is in a big boy bed as of this week. I have to take apart the crib tonight. While I cry. My baby is a boy. I miss my baby. Realizing how much he is growing reminds me that I always saw myself as having two. Now I doubt I will. Breaks my heart a little. Nothing I can’t get used to. Just another casualty of my new life. I love babies, I love being a mom and I loved being pregnant. I wish it was easy enough to say “one day…” but reality bites at my heals. Probably never.

J closed on his house yesterday.

My life is going 150 MPH. I’m thinking about the future. Moving in with J. Making him my family. Talking about things that are real. Serious. And part of me feels so happy. So content. And this other part is freaking out. He likes to talk about what room the boy can have, and where his toys can go. I can tell where his head is at. It is so sweet and terrifying in the same breath.

I think I really do want to be married again. It’s taken me time to think about it. But I want my boy to have the most normal life possible. And I don’t want to always refer to J as my “Boyfriend”… as much as it feel strange “Step-Dad” to me seems gratifying.But he’s not a lets get married kinda guy. I have spoken so ill of marriage around him, I think I need to open up to him about this sooner than later. I mean I am not saying I want to soon. God no. But in my head that is how I picture my future. And at this rate, J and I have a pretty promising future.

Still having issues with my joints and typing this is agony. Super sad face!

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