Friends.

Lets just visit this topic real quick.

First: I am not a good friend. I am bad at calling and texting back. I like my alone time. I also have a kid. That makes on the fly socializing impossible. I am a scatter brain, I forget and I am flaky as fuck.

Second: I avoid confrontation. So if I sense there is a rumble of dissent, I do this thing I call “The dip”. I dip out. Radio silence.

I don’t have a best friend. Well I do. My Mom.

But not like a “bestie” and I don’t really know why I do that to myself. I have NEVER been or had a relationship like that.

Since the divorce I have lost so much. But the biggest loss for me seems to be friends. Some of them I lost because of the divorce (his friends, my friends etc) But some were after the fallout.

D: The closest thing I have ever had to a best friend. We have been friends since my freshman year of college. We met at work where we were hostesses at a popular little steakhouse. She was getting over a broken engagement. I was just starting to date the now EX. We went out, drank, danced, hit the town. I moved away for school but we stayed friends. She even visited me up north and partied with me (we got drunk and made out!) She’s one of the people who will say “You never call me”. See, I don’t think of that. I carry on with my life and if something comes up I call. I am not one to call to shoot the shit. But she was. I would remind her the phone works two way, if she wants to talk call. She was in my wedding, she was one of the first people who knew I was pregnant and she was the first person to come to the house and pick my sobbing weak body off the floor when the cheating was uncovered. She and her fiance would drive around town looking for him while I was home with the baby. They took me to dinner to cheer me up and they were a source of strength for me. But then her wedding. She is having it on a cruise. Two things: One… I cannot bear to be on a cruise ship. That is how the EX and I met (sort of) , I cannot be single on SHIP in the OCEAN … ALONE! Two… I’m a single recently divorced mom. I cannot afford it. So it put a strain on me when she constantly asks me if I am coming. Because I cannot bring myself to say no. Then J. She doesn’t like that I have him. She thinks I am rushing.She gets jealous if I am with him. She gets jealous if I am with ANYONE that is not her. So I constantly have this terribly guilty feeling. So, the last text she sent “Can you tell me why you never want to spend time with me and you are always on Facebook with other people?” I didn’t respond. I got sick of explaining myself. I got tired of it. I did the “Dip” She called, texted, Facebook messaged, Instagram messaged, even reached out to my mom. My fragile heart breaks to do that to her. Right before her wedding. But I cannot do the explaining, the accusations, the guilt. See, she made a comment last summer when I got a wine slushy on a trip that it was “white trash” and she judged that I go out to bars. (She doesn’t drink) We don’t do the same stuff. And when I do invite her, I feel odd that I am drinking, like she is judging me. So no. I don’t invite her to things like a happy hour.

So. We don’t talk. Her wedding is next week. I love her. Always will. Wish I could apologize for this. But I can’t. Not yet.

L: I would hardly classify her as a friend. But she was a supportive coworker who played a big part in my divorce survival days. I used to sob at my desk and she would lift me up. But she was also cruel and sick. She would say “No wonder you’re divorced” and tell me to take a joke better. I am a ball buster, but that isn’t funny. Not yet. We would go to bars and I would be flirting with a guy and she (multiple times) would walk up and say “You know she has a kid right?” She was a shitty wing lady. Another person, that as soon as I started dating J, was jealous. I was always a third wheel with her and her boyfriend but as soon as I brought J, she was mad. She was hanging out with my brother and flirting with him and then coming to work and telling the guys how pathetic my brother is for trying to kiss her. I was pissed and she made sound like I was irrational. One day I had enough. I was going to confront her after work. Well she got fired that day. And I did the “dip”. She put some crazy “real friends stab you in the front” Facebook post and then moved out of town. Bye.

I have some good memories with her, but she is not missed.

M: I made her choose me or him. She chose him because of my insane request. Looking back, I was wrong. I even told her that in that moment I know it’s wrong but I was scared and didn’t know who I could trust. I used to go to her with my problems, she was the “mother” type of friend. Her loss was massive. But I have bounced back with out her. I am sure she is fine. I even joke that I wish she would date the EX.

Those are the big ones. People come and go. But some losses are big. Leave a hole. And hurt.

 

 

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One thought on “Friends.

  1. Relationships of all kinds, not just romantic ones, can be hard. I went through a season with one of my best friends this past year. My counselor helped me figure out how to communicate my boundaries, but before I did, I ‘ghosted’ (my version of your dip). Things have been awkward for the past year, but being able to be honest helped me let go of the resentment her unwitting hurts caused. Now it feels like our friendship is starting to build back up again.

    All that to say – I needed a good counselor’s help to handle that situation. To validate that my feelings and desires were legitimate. And to help me communicate that to my friend.

    Once I start ghosting on one thing, I tend to feel both guilty and relieved and it can keep going.

    All that to say, our friends may have a hard time with our honesty initially. But some times that can lead to better things.

    I hope you are able to feel more confident that you matter too. I still struggle with this myself, so I am definitely speaking from a work in progress place!

    Like

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