I am sick of the roller coaster. I am sick of feeling constantly on edge.
I am sick of feeling extreme happiness. And feeling the fast and swift downward spiral to just raw despair.
It’s too easy to break my stride. It takes nothing to make me go from content to crappy.
How terrible it must be to know me. To have to spend time with me.
Lately I find myself thinking about how I lived before the divorce. The cheating. The pain. How I lived before the robbery, and even the baby.
My life was simple. It was easy. It was vanilla.
I miss vanilla. I miss being naive. I miss thinking that I was safe.
I haven’t felt safe. I haven’t let myself trust the world. I spend my days waiting. Waiting for the next one. Waiting for the next downswing. I can’t enjoy my good days completely because I know they won’t last.
I’m so paranoid now. I am worried about my parents thinking I am a lazy bum for being back home. I am worried my brother resents me for not paying rent. I worry about my job. I worry about J. I worry he will have enough of me. I worry I put my eggs in the wrong feakin’ basket. I worry I am not raising my boy right. I worry I am not fair to the Ex. I worry I am too fair with the Ex.
And someways. I feel like I give and give and give. And it’s not so I can get in return. But one can hope that someone would be doing that for you. But I haven’t experienced that lately. And I wonder what it would be like.
I’ve had some rough weekends with a sick toddler and no sleep. Running ragged. But I stand by my theory that objects in motion stay in motion. If I stop, so does my ability to keep the “I’m OK” mask on. And then people pour over you “Are you OK?” “What’s wrong?” blah blah blah. No I’m not OK. And block out the next month if you actually want to hear what is wrong. So when J says he is too tired to go to work on Monday because he spent 5 hours cleaning and moving on Saturday. I have to roll my eyes. I ran my entire weekend on 6 hours of sleep. And I went to work Monday. Because that is life.
I have felt the last few weeks drain me heavily. Emotionally. Physically. I have felt the pull of the roller coaster. But there hasn’t been much “coasting”.