This Means for me, Country. It’s like they write songs that make you want tear your heart out of your chest, put it in a blender and then lay on the floor while you writhe in pain.
Curiosity got me this morning. I saw this one pop up. Recommended on YouTube. (Thanks YouTube) Better Man – Little Big Town. Now these guys sing enough songs that strike a chord with me. But this one. I bawled like a baby. Not because I was sad but because the words were my thoughts to a tune. A familiar tune that reminded me of how my head sounds on the inside. The stuff I don’t say, or the stuff I find hard to articulate.
The bravest thing that I ever did was run.
He emotionally gutted me in the bad days. I was either always crying, begging or scared. I spent my days debating stay or go. And then one day I said enough was enough. I question my choice. I question how I handled all of it on a near daily basis. I hear those lyrics and I think, damn right. That was the bravest thing I have ever done.
I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that.
I went to counseling and tried to change myself to fit what he needed depending on how the wind was blowing on that day. Any sane woman would have seen how absurd that was. I bent over backwards and I fought like hell to forgive the cheating and the lies. And through it all I never embraced “eye for an eye” because I am better than that. I didn’t see him fight like hell. I sure as hell never broke a marriage vow.
I do wish he was a better man. 2 years ago. Now. I don’t give an F who he is long as he is good to our boy. I know now he is trying to paint this picture of a “wronged single dad” who just wants to spend time with his son. Never mind the Mom who was left sobbing on the floor after fighting with leaving a cheating husband who doesn’t love her or staying to see if he can learn to love her again.
So F you country music, Taylor Swift for writing this, and anyone else who brought this to fruition. Because I just sat at my desk and I cried. And I cried. I wanted my warm bed and my blanket.
And Little Big Town. Man. I don’t listen to a lot of country. But our last Anniversary before the Baby he took me to see them. I didn’t even like the group that much. He chose them because he got free tickets through work. (After I found out he lied about how much he paid for them) But seriously since the divorce they release “Girl Crush” about the other woman, “your side of the bed” another divorcey song and this “Better Man”. It feels coincidental in an organized message way.
It’s music. That’s all. Not some magic potion. But man that song really managed to fuck up my morning. And it pisses me off because I don’t mis HIM the person. I miss what life was like. I don’t have any feelings for him at all anymore. I want my old life back so bad some days but just like that coffee I want back, it’s gone and it will never be the same. But there will be new coffee. So for a song to kick up this emotion, good for them. But come on what the fuck Heather.
Moving on to something else on YouTube: Metal Covers of Pop Songs.