Sometimes when I have a cloudy head I make a list.
Not so many clouds lately. The forecast has been quite sunny. Minus the Tick in my butt.
But I was thinking this morning on my commute to work. About all the things I do not miss about my old life.
So here it is:
- His Mom. Nosy. Obnoxious. One Upper. Her laugh. Her face. To this day she tries to sway me to see things her way. Now I get to flat out say “No” to her. She ruined a lot of good memories for me with her uncanny ability to try to be the center of attention. An example: Guilting me to be in the hospital room while I was giving birth, I caved said yes and while I was pushing, she FAINTED. All of the doctors are tending to her, meanwhile there is a head between my legs…
- His voice. Nasal. Whiny sounding. (J’s is deep and and sexy for the record).
- Sharing a bed. 3 nights a week I share with J. But it’s not sharing like in the sense of a chore or habit. It’s like (cue the mush) we are one entity in the bed. I sort of melt into him and it works. With the ex it was like we may as well have had two twin beds. Separate blankets, facing away from each other. He watches TV, I watch a show on my phone. I couldn’t get too close because he would be hot, or uncomfortable. It was our normal, but now that I have a taste of what it can be like. I don’t miss that garbage. Those nights I am not with J…I sleep in my queen bed sideways, I sleep with the with tv on, I read, I do what I want… it’s like the coolest freedom. Ever.
- Family stuff. Always rushing during the holidays to go from house to house. Having to deal with his family. And how uptight they were. His mom, his goofy dad. His brother being miserable. Watching the time pass until I can leave.
- Feeling guilty for spending time with my Mom. It annoyed him. And it annoyed some friends (ex friends). But to this day, my mom has not betrayed me. So suck on that.
- Living on the West Side. I like being back in my hometown. Close to my family.
- His Stories (Lies) He always was talking. Most of it was out of his ass. Seriously. Ok not LITERALLY. But really. Just spewing nonsense to hear himself I think. Even before the fall out, I had sore eye sockets from rolling my eyes constantly
- Bad Sex. Sorry if this is graphic but… he was bad. Like it was always about him. No warm up for me. Luckily, not the case for me anymore. This department is now great.
- Sharing in general. Selfish, but everything was “ours”. But mostly his. Monetary gifts went into savings never to be seen by me. Nice bottle of wine? Not allowed to drink it. Gift card to Starbucks, stayed in his wallet. Dinner portions, mine were always the smallest. Tax refund time, tickets to see his favorite band.
- Proving myself to him. That I am making enough money. Or that I can do the chores he wants. Always trying to be the person he wanted. I was becoming tired.
- Chicken Wraps with rice for dinner, constantly.
- Living in a cold house. He was a cruel thermostat nazi and I spent winter always cold.
- Stupid TV. Watching episodes of crab fishing, Alaskan wilderness, truck driving, moodshinging. Hardly ever being able to watch anything I had interest in unless, I was on my phone watching it or in another room. Compromise was scarce.
- Accusations that I am always blaming him and never admitting when I was wrong. Constantly wondering am I a monster, selfish jerk who doesn’t take into account his feelings? Is it wrong from me to express when something makes me unhappy?
- Fancy Friends. Keeping up the Jones’s type of situation. His successful well off friends who get to travel, pay for a good school for their kid, build a big house and drive nice cars, will never be us. But he wanted that.
- Laundry day for him meant throwing mine on the floor while it was still wet.
- Sympathy Drought. If I ever needed it. I was not going to get it from him. He was a one upper like his mom. If you worked 12 hours that day, he worked 13. If you haven’t eaten since breakfast, he hasn’t since yesterday.
- Gossiping about people, critiquing and criticizing them. He was always putting his nose where it didn’t belong. I wonder how many he lies he told about this divorce. I know that’s why he was so mad I told people what happened. I wasn’t painting him as a model husband, now people gossip about him.
- His Vanity, he would spend so much time in the mirror. Looking at himself. I would laugh at him. Mock him. He never shared in my amusement. It was one of the things that tipped me off to the cheating.
- Planning the future was centered on him. Wanting a new boat (I didn’t) wanting to move into a bigger house (I was more concerned with just getting closer to family) Bigger TV (I was fine with what we had) Vacations to places that I had no input on. I was along for the ride. But I just assumed that was my role, obedient dutiful wife.
- Feeling degraded. He was always quick to point my flaws out, or make me feel unworthy or to blame for all that ever happened to me. In front of family he would expose my flaws and make them jokes. I am a ball buster. But this was too personal. I managed to laugh it off and again, accept this obediently.
- Monotony. Same places all the time when we ate out. Same dinners, same deserts, same friends, same hang out places. Same clothes, same lame jokes, same tv shows. Never deviating from the boring vanilla life we lived. No adventure. Just a safe existence.
For the record, it wasn’t all bad. But now that I can safely look back and recall the details of the past 11 years. I can see that this Divorce has really given me more that I knew I could have.