List: What I Do Miss

This might be shorter that what I DON’T miss. I am interested to see how this will turn out.

I mean I didn’t spend 11 years with someone and hate all of it. But sometimes I sit in bed, I get misty thinking of what I’ve lost…

  • Comfort. The comfort of living with someone who knew me well. I felt secure and safe. I knew (at least I thought) that I had a partner who would stand up for me no matter what. I could burp and not feel nervous of judgement. I was maybe too comfortable, but I do miss at least the illusion of it. To just be me, no apologies.
  • Reliability. I could count on him (Almost always… we will ignore the bad days) But I knew I had someone to count on. It’s hard with J, he’s either sleeping or doesn’t want to leave the house on the weekends when I feel like it would be nice to do stuff with me and Carter. He doesn’t have to do anything with me but I miss that built in person to lean on. At least in my past if I needed someone he was almost always there (even if he didn’t want to)
  • Tradition is something that sometimes I buck but in many places I crave. I knew with the Ex I had a traditional family and it was all laid out for me. No dealing with different last names. Didn’t have to correct people when they assume I am “Mrs….” when they see my son’s name. Christmas was fun, we gave each other gifts of socks and candy and little things, and then big stuff. I can’t picture me having a traditional Christmas like I used to now with J. But he has proven me wrong a lot so we’ll see. Going to the lake for the 4th, breakfast together on sunday mornings, a trip to the mall to shop for christmas gifts together, stupid little things that I will not have back.
  • Surprises are something I love. I don’t expect them but I like them. I don’t mean big things. But coming home to my favorite cupcake from Wegmans or seeing a bottle of wine I like. Or that pair of Tom’s I’ve been eyeing. He did have a way, before things went bad, of treating me well. I don’t expect J to buy me things to make me happy, but a I just don’t see him doing a spontaneous surprise for me or even knowing the little things a quietly crave.
  • Sex. So sex with the ex did always leave me feeling unfulfilled. But with J. He doesn’t always want it. It’s great when we do. But his libido is almost invisible. In my married life, I constantly turned him down. I had no desire. And now it seems the shoe is on the other foot. And I take it personally. So to all you married men, feeling jolted by the perpetual denial.. I’m sorry. I get it now.
  • Direction that my life was going in. I never questioned who I would be growing old with. I never questioned if I would be safe or not. I was clear on where my life was going. Now, the fuck if I know.

So there it is. Out there in the universe. Meh.

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