I’m back in hurricane mode. I feel the storm turning churning and I can already see destruction in my wake.
November used to be my favorite. Pretty fall leaves, first snowfall. My birthday and Thanksgiving.
But now, it’s the month I remember when it all fell apart. The days after my thirtieth birthday when he reduced me to nothing.
I try not to give those memories power, but they linger in November like a ghost haunting me.
I stopped therapy. Not because I thought I was fine but because I cannot afford it. But after this past week. I know I need to do something.
Like the foot of snow that I woke up to this morning, the darkness, the weight of it, all of it is piling up in my head. I feel it on my mind, my shoulders, my back and my chest.
It’s been two years. In that two years everything is different. It feels so far away from me now but in the same breath it feels so close.
I have been sabotaging my relationship with J this week. Since Wednesday I have been cold, distant and cryptic. Leaving him wondering what is going on with me. Meanwhile in my head I’m picking him apart. Comparing him to the Ex I thought I was married to. Not the man I divorced. The empty shell of a man I romanticize I had, the lie I lived with. How unfair for J to be held up to the standards of a ghost. A lie. A fantasy. I miss him badly. I need to sit and talk it out with him. But it’s been almost a week and he has been sick or busy. So we both sit in the hell I created. Wait for time to be on our side.
My thoughts have turned too swiftly to darkness. I know I am stronger than this. I am better. But I want to give in. I think it would be easier some days, if I wasn’t here. I feel like a burden. A negative energy that is capable of only hurting people. I literally feel the fight inside me. My chest is tight. Even typing this out and getting the words to come to life make me cringe at myself. I have to smile and drag my feet through this, because that is what people expect me to do. I am not allowed to let my little guy see me slip. My parents will just be angry at the ex and spew even more negativity. I have very few friends left and I cannot freely speak to them about these moods. I did open up to J last night. Sparing many details. I fear he will treat me like glass, or everytime I’m upset he will attribute it to this, and discount the truth behind it.
Truth is, you are never out of the water. You are never going to be 100% better. It’s always there knocking to get in. I’ve been ignoring it. But here it is. Slipped through the cracks. I cannot let this continue. I know I will figure it out. This will pass.