I cannot for the life of me get a good positive groove back.
I am obsessed with nit picking and obsessing on the negative.
I am pretty sure I am in the middle of destructing my relationship with J. I have been cold, passive aggressive, frustrated. His low libido pisses me off. His obsession with being high is infuriating to me. His lack of insight as to how badly I just need “attention” for comfort makes me dip lower. I don’t mean flattery. I mean someone to look after me and assure me I’m fine. Or at least I will be. I have to admit I NEED to feel looked after right now. And I keep forgetting that he is NOT my husband. I don’t have one. I have to look after me. This is on me. But still, I confuse him and his responsibilities with that of a husband some days. He is just some guy I’ve been seeing. Not my partner. I don’t have one of those.
I am spiraling.
My toddler no longer sleeps through the night. He won’t even sleep in his room. He wakes screaming that he needs me. He screams and screams until I break down and bring him in bed with me.
I have dark heavy clouds over me. It’s impossible to climb out. I cannot afford therapy. I just simply cannot.
So I’m stuck trying to figure it out.
My Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s this week. She lived with us for 8 years when I was a kid, after my Grandfather passed away. I look at her as my third parent. She helped raise me. Now her husband verbally attacked my mom yesterday. Accused her of stealing a very large sum from my Grandmother. (Meanwhile, we have access to her bank online and can see him withdrawing large sums from her personal account weekly, one as big as $12,000).
It’s Christmas time and things feel very messy.
My Ex has been quiet and civil. And for some reason even that pisses me off.
I cry in the bathroom at work. I cry in the car. I cry in the grocery store. I cry at night in bed. My eyes hurt. My head hearts. My chest hurts.
I wish some days I could just be gone. It’s that weighted hopeless feeling that lingers and stings. I can’t shake it. Shoulder tapping me and reminding me that things just don’t feel any better.
I want to scream. Break shit. Hurt someone. Make ’em pay. Cause some damage.
It’s like sadness peppered with fury and its exhausting. I feel back to broken and little less fixed. I know I’ll be fine. I just can’t for the life of me “snap out of it” or “get over it” like everyone expects from me.