Warning: This is a ranting whiny relationshipy post. Sorry.
I’ve known this fact but denied it for months. I feel I can no longer continue my journey with J.
I wanted this to work. Not because it was convenient. Not because it was a rebound. Not because I need it.
But because he is amazing. He is incredibly smart and intelligent. His mind is sharp and he always speaks with confidence. He is kind. He is understanding. He sees me differently than I do and it makes me feel incredible. His voice is soothing, right down to my bones. His touch is electric. He has sweet blue eyes that suck you in and when I’m around him I feel like I am home. He is incredibly attractive head to toe and inside and out. He loves my little boy and he loves me. That should be enough right?
But he smokes cannabis. Pot. Weed. Marijuana. And not a little. Every day. All night long. From the time he gets home to the time he sleeps he has a bong and a lighter in his hand. He tells me he needs it for his chronic pain. He needs it to sleep. He needs it. He needs to be high to get through life. And that if I made him choose, he would not give it up. So I have been clear. I would not do that. I would learn to make it fit in my life and I would learn to compromise. But it feels like a challenge to compete with his addiction. And what he has failed to see is that while I am willing to compromise, he has been firm in not giving me an inch.
When I became vocal of my growing concern he became less understanding than I have known him to be. Defensive of his addiction. Who am I to come around and tell him what to do? Who am I do dictate how he lives his life? All I told him is that I feel a growing resentment towards his habit. I don’t like it but I need help learning how to understand it. How I can coexist with it. I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to lose me either.
Nights that I don’t have my boy I go to J’s house. We usually have a dinner and talk and laugh and then move to the couch. Where he smokes. Where I wait. I grow anxious wondering if he will want me tonight or will I sleep disappointed that I wasn’t enough for him. I cannot compete with a drug. I don’t get him high.
Yesterday was a year since the Divorce was finalized. I can’t help but recognize the day. Give it the power it doesn’t need to have over me. But it’s only been a year. So I’ll use that as my excuse this time. Next year might be a new excuse. But I knew I’d feel out of sorts on this day and I knew I needed support. I tried, but this is how my day went:
9:00 AM, my ex picked up my boy and he was gone. I went upstairs to get ready for the day because I had plans to have breakfast with J at 10:00. He woke at 9:30 with a headache and bailed on breakfast. So I went to my bed and cried a little. I’ll be fine I told myself. I had a noon appointment at the Apple store so I went out that way, the 30 minute drive was soothing and I straightened my mood out. Turns out they didn’t have the part for my phone so I had accomplished nothing. Well that was a waste. I called a friend and asked to meet up. On my way to meet him, J invited me to lunch with his family. I turned J down. Still salty from my bailed breakfast plans and not willing to bail on my friends.
After a catch up and some weepy moments I went home. Anticipating J finishing his band practice soon, needing so badly to feel wanted by someone tonight, I sat with my parents while they watched football. Waiting. FINALLY he texts me he is on his way home. It’s 4:45, I’m hoping he will toss me an invite. I am also hoping he won’t want to just sit around. But knowing J, he’s been itching to get high all day. He won’t want to do anything other than stay home. I pulled some whiny crap with him. I hate when I do that. I was seeing if he would offer to go get food with me, but he said I can come over when I’m done. I decided maybe I’ll stay home. I’m too sad from feeling let down all day. He said no, come over. After laying around I got my stuff together and went over.
Now this is where I lose myself. I cried on his couch. We went for a drive. I got food. We came home and we made out and giggled. I realized, fuck I didn’t shave my legs. Because… why bother… but now he is being super affectionate… this could be it! So i ducked into his shower real quick. When I came out he was watching his conspiracy YouTube stuff and getting high. I decided I would not be at all bothered by any of it. Go with the flow. Every time i’d lean over to kiss him his bong was there. Or he was about to light it. He even told me “I’m almost done”. An hour later he started his phase were he smokes, eats, smokes and eats. Then normally what will happen is we go to bed, we fool around a little but he will say he is too full for sex. So I saw this happening and I pulled the plug. “I’m going to bed” and I did. I lay there and waited while he shut off the lights and TV and joined me in bed. At that point I was done. I was tired. Fed up. I knew even if I was in the mood he was too full from the 3 bowls of ice cream. So I cried. It’s midnight now. He is trying to comfort me. But he is the cause indirectly of my undoing.
So it’s days like that, where I think you know what. Let’s move on. He needs to find him a stoner girl. And I just want someone who will put me before a drug. Someone I won’t have to practically beg to have sex with me.
I told him why I was upset. I will see what he does with this. Because at this point, I am not willing to let this go any further. My exit this morning was cold and quiet. And I refused to text him first. An hour into my work day and I got the obligatory “I’m sorry I hurt you feelings, I didn’t mean to” text. I said “I know.” Because I DO know that.
I paused while I was writing this because we got into a text-volley that got intense. We don’t argue much. In fact we haven’t at all until I hit this slump the past few months. It’s hard the way I left things, texting isn’t ideal but work, and I have the boy tonight. And I have trouble once it starts to stop. So I told him how I realized recently that I am disposable. If it was me or weed he would say goodbye. And I told him I just feel so little and insignificant. That I blame the weed for his low sex drive. That I blame the weed for his lack of motivation to spend time with me. I went off and off and off until my phone died. I plugged it back in. He said “Wow. I cannot believe you held all that in. Give me a few weeks to taper off.”
Just like that. He said he’d quit. Which is NOT what I’ve asked. I wouldn’t. I just want to be more important than it. I want to know I’m better than being high. But that was it. He put it out there. He is showing me I am important. Giving up what he loves. For me.
Why do I still feel bad?