Christmas Can Totally Freakin’ Suck it.

I’ve been doing better. My mood has been better. I have been focusing on the good stuff a lot more lately. J and I have had some big talks, some heart to hearts. And I have been trying to stop comparing him to my ex.

I had distanced myself a little but J was his calm self. I’ve been going over there. Doing our thing. Just a little less intensity.

We had a bad snow storm. And my car didn’t handle well. My 20 minute drive to work was an hour and half and I was so anxious and stressed I was in actual pain.

So for Christmas J took my car to the shop and had snow tires put on. He spent a lot. Like way more than anyone has spent on me. He said he wants me to be safe. He wants my little guy to be safe. So he wanted to do it for us.

Man I do love him. ❤

Everyday is a challenge for me. Sometimes it’s easier and other times it’s tremendously difficult. But I’m fighting.

My ex has been less than gracious regarding Christmas. And I try not to be the angry vindictive person but I am so tired of him dictating things to me.

Before I go off:

Our legal agreement for Christmas

is the following:

  1. Christmas Eve-Day: The child shall be with Heather in odd years from 5:00 p.m. on December 24 through noon on Christmas Day and then with XXX until the morning on December 26. The schedule shall reverse in even years. If either parent is not working on December 24 they shall spend the majority of the day with the child. If both parents are not working the parent who has Christmas Eve shall be with the child.

Last year we deviated. He dropped off to me at 6:30 Xmas Eve and Xmas day his parents picked up the little guy at 2:30. He said he wanted it that to go easy on me, and easy for him the year after. This year he originally proposed 4:00 PM Xmas day. I have talked him down but he will not budge from 2:30.

In the year since then we have deviated from our original plan, in order to accommodate him in almost every case. And every time I have needed a little flexibility he has stone walled me. A few instances over the summer, and Halloween all were hellish for me because he wanted what was better for HIM.

So all I have asked is for him to pick up the boy Xmas eve at 6:00 PM and I will pick up from him at 1:00 PM Xmas day. His response was rude. Completely un-thoughtful and he indicated he would not compromise. So I pulled out my only case for him seeing it my way, I said fine. You will not get the extra time with him on Monday that you asked for. Why in the world should I always be willing to give give give when the rare occasion pops up when I need AN EXTRA HOUR or so, he flat out says “No”.

I avoided seeing fiends last night because I was crippled. I wandered to J’s. I needed to be held. J was his normal calm self, advised me on how to respond and helped me gather my wits. I stood my ground. But now its all 2 days away and I have no resolution. The Ex is not willing to give me the hour I need for my selfish reasons. And I have to suck it up.

But from this day forward. The legal document will need to be followed to the very T. No more deviating. Because all I get is grief. He will always be controlling and try to dominate my life. He will always fight like hell to get his way. He will always let his mother dictate his life.

This year, I hate Christmas. I’m fucking miserable. I spent my day at work crying. Wondering what the fuck am I going to do Christmas morning? I can’t even think about it. How does everyone else do this? Ack. Teary eyed. I can’t. Just let it end already? It’s amazing how for the rest of my life I “owe” him this time, because HE decided to cheat, HE decided to want a divorce. I know I am not fully innocent but I continue to ask myself what the hell I have done to deserve any of this?!?!?


Like I said some days are harder than others. But I’m fighting.



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