Life has been so fast. I am thankful to see the end of the holidays and all the running and empty bank issues. I have not had much time at all lately to do anything.
I took an hour to myself last night however and took a hot bath with a bath bomb from Lush. I laid in the blue glittery tub and closed my eyes. I kept thinking to myself that this moment is so precious and I don’t know when I will get another hour like this again. I wanted to remember the feelings, the sounds. The warm water that smelled like ylang ylang, lavender and bergamot, the gold glitter glistening in the water. The steam rising in the light of the candles lit along the tub. My skin, soft and smooth. The noise the water made when it lapped my glittery skin. In that moment I was at peace with myself and the world.
I remember the feeling when I decided I had to get out of the tub. Cold. Like someone popped a bubble and I was forced to face gravity.
Since before Christmas I have been going and going and going. Hardly able to stop. Hardly able to keep up. I seriously lost my phone at least 5 times. The “Find My iPhone” feature on my lap top was instrumental in survival. And we won’t even talk about how I have managed to break, lose and forget my charging cord for my phone.
Despite it all. The forgetfulness, the rushing, the lack of money (I have to survive off $18.45 for another two and a half days), the arguing with my ex, the chaos. It was great. My little peanut loved Christmas. He was so sweet and so happy. He got his gifts a little early from “Santa” and was truly grateful and surprised. J and I even had a great Christmas morning together. New years was a blast. Little guy thought it was his birthday, with the cake and balloons I bought. I did a fake count down (he said “Blast off” instead of “Happy New Year”) Put the little guy to bed and at the real midnight J grabbed me and kissed me. I was wrapped in a blanket and I pulled the blanket over our heads (My parents were around the corner) and we kiiiiiiiiiiissed like grown ups. For a bit. That night he went home and when he left he said “You know you’re it for me right?” I kissed his forehead. Said “I love you, drive safe”.
They all say that “You’re it” “You’re the one” “I’ll only ever love you” blah blah blah. How many mean it? 11 years and baby later they are fucking the slutty girl at their part time job at the local hardware store. And you are forced to start over. Pick up your pieces.
OK that was bitter.
And I really don’t believe J is anything like my ex.
But that thought is still back there.
Part of me says to go with it, let it happen. The other is saying “Wait… just wait…” Because that part of me knows the other shoe will drop.
What I wouldn’t give to take a bath everyday. Just lay in the tub with the water lapping my soapy glistening skin. Forgetting the fast paced world around me.