Coasting.

That’s what it’s felt like. My roller coaster has seemed to level off for now. I’m starting feel some normalcy return to my little life.

Aside from the waves of illness that keep hitting us. Little guy had croup, the next week I had a stomach bug, week after little guy gets a stomach bug and now I have it this week. Hopefully I can stay healthy after this!

It’s funny that I am lumping vomit sleepless nights with “coasting” but hey, that is infinitely better than being in a deep dark hole right?

Life has been slow and easy. Comforting. Welcome. And I certainly have been cherishing it. It’s amazing how you think at one point you will never be happy again. To the extreme of being insanely happy to insanely sad and then without realizing you get your stride back. Obviously I am not a half wit. I know bad days are knocking. But I can bathe in the normal days and soak them in. I cherish those wonderful days and now I just power through the baddies.

I know divorce is normal. I’m not the only one to get knocked on my ass. To lose faith in love, to wonder what the point in living is. So I try to just remind my self that like 50% of the people who get married do this, and do it again and again. And they end up OK. So I’ve got this? I’m a wallower, worrier, sensitive soul. I think sometimes being sad is just easy for me. So sometimes it’s what I glue myself to.

But hey. I’m in the coasting phase guys! I’m comfortable for now. Not too comfortable. But I am confident enough to say that things feel on track. I  have my ducks in a row. And that dark place looks so far back in the rear-view mirror that I hardly can see it. And that is great.

*Now I’m sure by being so confident and happy I am inviting the universe to totally fuck with me… so stay tuned for the obligatory OMG MY LIFE SUCKS post ok….*

 

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2 thoughts on “Coasting.

  1. Coasting isnt bad. It’s just a rest and recover period between extremes (good or bad). Hopefully good!
    You mentioned telling yourself that other people get divorced, and fall in love again. Do you think they love as much the second time around? Do you think they allow themselves to be as vulnerable as that first time? Or do you think the divorce (and what caused it) irrevocably changes the way one loves?
    #askingforafriend

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The way I love is revolutionized. I used to think that i was owed love in return for mine. Now I know I’m not. Its delicate. It’s precious. It’s destructive. I never felt that way before. I am more open in communicating now. I am cautious. I am inquisitive. I was guarded with J. I was terrified to give him power over me. Because I couldn’t fathom being hurt. But I think I found a great man. He knows my story. He knows my insecurities. He knows I’m still a little broken. He understands when I ask him for reassurance. He reminds me that I’m strong and that I’m allowed my feelings. With my ex I never felt how I feel now. I show J love more passionately and more often. I have my days but he lifts me up. I still wonder if he could cheat on me. But I could just as easily do the same. I feel like I could stay afraid. And hide. Or I can risk it all. And maybe find my slice of heaven.

      Liked by 1 person

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