Boys, Guys, Men.

I can’t quite recall how this tangent started. I think I was at work talking about teenage Heather. How strange she was. My boys, my guys and my men.

In Middle School there  was D. He was cute and funny and one girl told me he liked me. I was in 7th grade. So he asked me out. I said yes. We held hands once or twice. I hid from him in the hallways because I didn’t know how to act. He seriously played with his micro machine cars at the lunch table next to me, while I dressed up as Baby Spice from the Spice Girls at my lunch table. Summer vacation came, we didn’t talk all summer. First day of 8th grade and he had a fuzzy face and some other girl was at his locker. I shrugged. Too bad I didn’t pursue him, turns out he is loaded. Money, cars, lavish vacations. Money isn’t everything though.

Then I spent 8th grade just crushing on boys. But no suitors. I was shy and goofy with my braces face and my thick wavy hair and strange bangs. Not too many people of the opposite sex approached me, and I was worried I was some hideous reject.

9th grade, I’m in High-school. This is the blossoming years. I shed my braces and I became aware of my assets. I was excited because my best friend and I were finally in the same school. Come to find out, she was kinda popular and I was kinda dorky. Her friends were cruel, telling me who I can and cannot talk to. It was conflicting. I wanted to be friends with everyone, not just the “cool kids” but I didn’t want to be some social leper either. Early in the school year RK asked me out. We talked on AIM a lot, the phone and our lunches. Passed notes and stuff. But honestly never did much together. He was sweet. Bought me flowers and talked to me like I was a princess. Meh. Too nice. I remember one day I sat on his lap in the hallways and when I got up, he had a wet spot on his pants… pretty sure he got a little excited. I remember pretending like I didn’t see it. But it creeped me out. That night I reflected on the creepy boner and thought of the pressure I got from my friends to break up with him because he wasn’t “Popular”. I called him and told him I wanted to be single. He seriously said nothing on the other end. I didn’t want to hang up because I felt bad. So I will never forget laying on my floor, flipping through Cosmo and listening to RK sniffle and cry on the other end for almost an hour. I finally hung up when my mom needed to call my Grandma. Poor guy. He added me on Facebook a few years ago and bragged to me about being happily married with a kid. I was married, no kid. We are both divorced now. I entertained sending him a little message about getting together and catching up but I still feel bad about being a jerk when I was 15.

This next one is a good one. This is the one that messed me up a bit. Something I never got over. Something that I think shaped me more than I’d have liked it to. JV, he was dreamy and he was in a band and he was funny. He was like my fantasy come true. To walk the hallway as his girlfriend was a literal dream come true. But I was shy. And I didn’t know how all this worked. And he wanted me to kiss him. I didn’t know how. I never kissed a boy before. Well RK, but he initiated it. JV wanted me to “make the move” and I was terrified. We talked a lot on AIM and notes and through friends. We spent a lot of back and forth and at a Halloween party I was given the deadline. This was the night.I chickened out. And we broke up. I was crushed. I was literally unable to function. I thought I was a loser. I moped around and I spent too much time being depressed. A month later I remember opening my locker to find a dozen white roses. Wondering who did it. JV did it. He wanted to give me another chance (his words) I was over the moon. Obsessed. I went to his bands shows. Dinners at his parents. It was wonderful. One night we had a bonfire at my house. It was cold and I asked to wear his jacked. He said no. So I walked to the house and got my own jacket. When I came back, one of my closest friends was sitting on his lap, wearing his coat. I ran back to the house and cried. We broke up. I lost my friend. It still stings because I actually liked her. I still remember her fondly, despite the years of hating her. I still don’t think much of him as a person. He did nothing but manipulate my clear obsession for him. And he set a pattern of me learning to blame myself for things out of my control. I am not Facebook friends with him but I’ve stalked and he’s still cute. Married and has a cute kid. Man, JV. Thinking about him makes me so happy I am all grown up now.

I stayed mostly single. A couple flirtatious moments. Boys asking me out, me saying no. I was waiting for the one. I wanted to be like my parents. High School sweet hearts, together forever. Blegh.

Junior year I said yes to RH when he asked me out, he wore a leather jacket, skipped class and smoke cigarettes. He was super cool. He had a very loud and aggressive sister who drove us places. She freaked me out a little. And so did he. I was more of a shy quite girl at that time. I didn’t fit in his world. I broke up with him on his birthday. because I was a total bitch. I got a bad wrap for that one. Word got around about what I had done, and I was given a lot of push-back for being unkind to him.

I spent my senior year of high-school floating around. Turning guys down, misleading people. I wanted to have sex. But there were no proper suitors. I was the only single girl in my circle of friends. I was torn between wanting a boyfriend and wanting to savor high-school. I fooled around with some of my close male friends. One of them JW. He was never a boyfriend. I told him I wanted to be single (Lie) and I was like the guy’s girl. He was not very keen a girlfriend either. But the kicker here is, he dated my best-friend. And they broke up. And she was in a new relationship, happy and everything. But this is still a BIG BIG NO NO in the girlfriends code of conduct. But I went for it anyways. I was sad. Lonely. So he and I struck up a friendship. We would go play video games and make out after school. I’d drive over and check out his homework. Super Bowl Sunday 2003 I came over and he said he wanted to lose his virginity before college. I said me too. So we did it. Oh it hurt so bad. And I couldn’t relax. It wasn’t fun at all. After, he balled up the condom in a paper towel, handed it to me and told me to get rid of it on my way home. And then said I had to leave. So I did. I cried the whole way home. I sobbed and sobbed. It wasn’t fun or exciting and he just kicked me out. Funny thing is, anytime he called I came running. Thinking maybe he will want me as more than that. A girlfriend. But no. He was using me. I let him. He’s a cop now. We remained friendly. I don’t talk to him but I do appreciate him. He was (kind of) a good guy. Even if he destroyed my already bruised self esteem.

Then S, the man I married. I wrote about how we met. We know what happened there.

I jumped into the world after the divorce. I checked out Tinder without realizing it was a hookup app until people were asking me to “Fuck” and got creepy. I did meet a guy who liked Dave Matthews, going through a divorce to. JT. He was kind. But after like a week he said we are soul mates, and I didn’t even want to date seriously yet, let alone meet a soul mate. I was just getting my feet wet. So I strung him along, I honestly used him to vent to. But that was it. I did manage to squeeze in a fling with my friend A, but we were both using each other to heal. Then there was JR. We went to high-school together and he must have heard, so I got a Facebook request from him, we chatted and exchanged numbers. He actually took me on a cool date. We sat at this bar on the beach and watched a storm roll in. He took me out on his boat one day and another day we were going to go out on his… plane. Yeah. Great guy. A week before the plane date you see, I went on this blind date with a guy my Aunt set me up with. And suddenly this guy and his boat and plane and pre made life with security sounded awful. That was when J came in. The day I met him, everyone else got put on hold. He felt like he was going to be something. Somebody important.

It’s funny looking back at all that. It’s strange. So many things I would do differently. So many things I would change. But that’s not how life works right?

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