I’m sick. for the 4,356th time.
And it’s totally breaking me.
Seriously. Like I’m a total broken woman. It’s almost embarrassing but I don’t even care. Since January I’ve come down with 2 different stomach bugs, a cold that evolved into bronchitis and sinusitis , and now I have thrush from the antibiotics and somehow Sialadenitis (infected sub-mandibular gland.. infected salivary gland) and now my neck is swollen and I look like Quasimodo.
And my boyfriend freaked out. He didn’t want me to come over. And all I could think was, in my old life when I had a husband. Back when he said he loved me. He would have jumped to take care of me. Make sure I was OK. He would set me up on the couch and get me treat to make me smile. He was good at that until things went bad. I couldn’t help but wish for that. But I guess that’s not J?
I made it pretty clear that bummed me out. He had a “change of heart” at 7:30 that night when HE felt lonely. I read that text and put the phone down. HA. How did he think I felt? I was miserable. In pain. Depressed. And alone in my room. And he suddenly decided he made a mistake and he is lonely, now I can come over? Nope. Keep in mind I expressed to him that I wasn’t contagious. That we shouldn’t kiss if his immune system was low and that was the only stipulation. But he was terrified of getting sick.
The next day he gave me obligatory “I messed up I’m sorry” line. But this part of me is not very accepting. I am not the kind of person who is going to proclaim “I NEED YOU” and beg. If I get a whiff I am not wanted, I will keep to myself. Is that fair? Probably not. But why should I ask for help when it is quite clear, I am sick, I am sad, I am down. Anyone in my shoes would clearly want someone to step in and say “I want to make you feel better”. It’s a given. To ask for it, to me, is begging.
I know he doesn’t see it that way.
I know I cannot bluntly say “When I was married he would have….”.
I just have to accept that this is his way of handling things. I just have to decide if that is what I CAN accept.
He did apologize. Said he was being selfish. Proclaimed his love. Said he should have known better. Told me to communicate me needs better… bleh.
Thank god he cant read my mind. Cause I just kept thinking “You’re not him”. But for the love of GOD Heather… That’s why I love J. He isn’t HIM.
Divorce fallout issue number 283: I compare my boyfriend to a ghost that I hate, and miss all at the same time.