I’m still trying to figure out how this whole “moving in with my boyfriend and I have a kid” thing is working.
Obviously, taking it slow is the first step.
Open honest communication is the second step.
But after the “duh” stuff I’m like … but how? I need like a check list. Or a guide. Like what the F life… you are the most cryptic bitch I’ve come across.
There is no book in Barnes and Noble on this stuff. I browsed. I ended up buying another book in the Outlander series. Probably won’t help my current situation but I am dying to know what happens next. I picked up a story for the little guy about being brave in his own bedroom (That’s a whole other handbook I can’t find… “WTF your toddler is nothing like the regular ones, so here do this” book… where are you?). The guy walking around putting things away saw my crooked confused face and was probably concerned I was either pooping my pants in his store or broke free from my handlers. But no, that was my “Oh crap I can’t figure this shit out” face. He asked “Can I help you ma’am” and I said, “I wish you could but I doubt anyone really can”. He totally just nodded and walked away. Glad I can’t hear his thoughts. But I really didn’t need to. I know I am completely bat shit crazy.
So I am walking blind. But I’m walking. Taking it all in stride. Chugging away each day. The problem with me is I need to keep talking about it. I need to keep the discussion open and it becomes repetitive and I am sure that is annoying. I just feel better, I need the constant comfort. I’m freakin’ needy ok?
So I wake up today and I look around his house as I get ready and I try to picture me in it. Making it mine too, adding my little guy and his things. And I get scared. What if I don’t ever feel comfortable there. What if we can’t make space for all his fun toys. I know me. I know I will be too afraid to put my own flair on his space. Because I am not his wife. I am not a legitimate home owner. And he tells me not to think that way and that it is “our” house blah blah blah. I know he means it, I just don’t feel it yet.
My other concern is my family. My mom won’t even entertain the thought of me leaving. She shuts down. She is not a pillar of support in this part of my journey, she can’t hide that she won’t get to see the little guy all the time once I am gone. Yeah I feel bad. But I deserve my happy ending. Most everyone else I’ve told this to is excited for me. They know it’s a big deal for me to even say it out loud. But I wonder what that house will be like with out the little guys spark everyday. The thing is, with Grandma moving in now and all the issues that are coming with it. It’s been hectic in the house and I think it will be best for the family to have two less people to worry over.
Something else. My Ex. I know for a fact he hasn’t even put an ounce of thought into where he lives. He tells me he is putting an offer in on a house a few towns over. Closer to his girlfriend and closer to work. Further from his son. If J lived where he used to … I NEVER would have moved out that way. Further from my family, his babysitter, and further from where I’d like him to go to school. Insanity. He didn’t even care when I talked to him about the implications of living that far. He shrugged it off like it was nothing. But I smell a serious issue if that “offer” ever comes to fruition. He never really was a forward thinker when it came to the grand scheme. He was a short term, selfish in the moment kind of thinker. So this makes sense. Meanwhile, J’s house is 5 min from my parents, 10 min from the babysitter, down the road from the pre-school he will be enrolled in and across the street from the elementary school I’d like to see him in. So my move makes insane amount of sense. I have yet to bring this up to my Ex as … it’s not an issue he needs to know about yet.
So the saga churns. But it churns slowly and it will all work out… so I can totally stop obsessing about the little stuff right?