I’m a grown adult. And I feel at this point in my life to have an obsession with a celebrity, someone I will never meet or know on a personal level is unacceptable and slightly deranged.
With that being said:
Brandi Carlile is my spirit animal. Her voice, her lyrics are the exact way I feel my heart would sound and what it would say if it could talk. She breathes life into my dormant thoughts. She provides words to feelings I haven’t described and her sound is soothing and unsettling in the same breath.
Even her appearance is appealing to me. Her face, her clothes, her smile. In my adult life, I feel I have a strange attraction to her. I have a feeling if I was an irrational teenager this would be acceptable. But I am supposed to be logical and rational now. And when I listen to her, think about her I get this craving. I want to be able to call her. Thank her. Find her. Hug her. She doesn’t know it but she is my favorite voice when I’m sad. When I’m mad. When I’m lost. When I’m happy. How is it possible to not sit with her, sip coffee and talk about how incredibly fantastic she is?
If I could I’d tell her she was one of my pillars in the divorce. Her music put a sound to my struggles. Her music inflated me with hope. I would put her on my running play list and go. I’d run and run but I never felt a thing because she was in my head singing words that soothed me. Singing so I could focus on her. I remember crying so hard and struggling to breath and I turned on her music. She calmed me. For the longest time, she was a part of my daily routine.
Last night I was listening to “I belong to you” and I told J, that had to be the sweetest and creepiest love song ever. He is critical of music so I assumed he would not like her. I told him that I needed to confess that I have an obsession with her. He listened and told me that he understands after hearing her. I felt amazing knowing that he liked her. I don’t see him seeking her out on his own. But at least he won’t cringe like when I turn on Dave Matthews. He loved the song. He said her voice was wonderful and the lyrics were the kind of art he looks for in music.
Last night I had the exact same dream as you I killed a bird to save your life And you gave me your shoes You said clip my wings and walk my miles And I said I would too Then I woke up but I wasn't gonna tell you Today I sang the same damn tune as you It was lady in red I hate that song And I know you do too You didn't catch me singin' along But I always sing with you Nice and quietly cuz I don't want to stop you I know I could be spending a little too much time with you But time and too much don't belong together like we do If I had all my yesterdays I'd give 'em to you too I belong to you now I belong to you I see the world the exact same way that you do We lend our hands and take our stance In tandem when we do But I lied and said I knew the way I hid my eyes from you I still don't know why I probably didn't want to scare you I know I could be spending a little too much time with you But time and too much don't belong together like we do If I had all my yesterdays I'd give 'em to you too I belong to you now I belong to you I'm gonna die the exact same day as you On the Golden Gate Bridge I'll hold you hand And howl at the moon Scrape the sky with tired eyes And I will come find you And I ain't scare cuz I'm never gonna miss you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you I belong to you now I belong to you
I know I have a few “Brandi” posts in here. And I am sure there will be more. So forgive me for my obsession. I don’t feel this way towards complete strangers often. But with her and her music, I have a connection. I feel literally moved by her art and her voice. She is a part of me and she doesn’t even know it.
I had wanted to see her live but I cannot afford it. I don’t know why it costs so much to see your hero. I respect them, and the work and all the talent but I cannot go broke, to stand 100’s of feet away from someone I just want to hug and thank. I feel like this post is coming off a little crazy, and I swear I am not one of those “wear your skin” and stalk you people. It’s just incredible to listen to her. To think of all those times I turned to her to soothe my soul, or compliment my mood, she helped me in ways I cannot quite explain. Somehow along the way, in the 10 years I have listened to her music, it has entwined with me and became a part of me. For that to happen, we truly have connected on a level different from your standard “musical interests”.