Today I write because I’m in a shit ass shitty mood. And like every person on this planet, I hate shit ass shitty moods.
I tried everything to snap out of it. I swear I did. I went shopping with my $87 bank account today. Blew money on craft stuff, a book, and a burrito at Moe’s. I smiled when they welcomed me. because I was dying to feel welcomed. Maybe it’s why I went there.
I drove around out where the city lights couldn’t find me. Usually that brings me peace. Only I started crying. And crying and crying some more. Every stupid song I heard made me want to take my seat belt off, speed up and close my eyes. I was in stupid destruction mode. Alone. In my car. No one to call. No one to confide in.
Today is a day I wish J read this blog. Because I don’t know if he gets this.
I have been having a stressful time and me, being so fragile and loosely put back together, I fall apart easy. Sucks. But I think I am just thankful I am put together.
My Grandmother moving in has shaken stuff up here. Reminded me how temporary this home was supposed to be and added a little extra tension and stress than there was.
Now more than ever I need my escape from this house with my boy gone. My grandmother on Sunday after the boy left to go to his dad’s house asked me about 20 times in 10 minutes where he went. When will he back and why don’t I keep him from his dad. Alzheimer’s is shit. That constant reminder with no chance at some peace was draining me. I felt unstable all day.
That night J told me I won’t be able to come over. He had work to do. Normal people would be OK, and I was sorta OK with it. Part of me thought to myself, why can’t he do this Saturday knowing Sunday is my day to come over? I know Saturday he tinkered with his guitar all day. Why not do that Sunday? I told myself to get over it. I wanted to go out and be with friends anyways. He would want to spend the day inside. So I showered, did my hair, did my makeup. I told J my plans and sent him a “miss you” selfie. He texted me back upset that I was playing a game with him making him jealous. Trying to con him into coming with me by making him feel guilty. While the thought had crossed my mind I didn’t. It was innocent. Purely. I did make a jab or two about having to work. But that’s what I do. I’m a jabber. He knows that.
I didn’t text him all day. If I did it would be a fuck right off kind of message.
Later on I did. And he apologized and all was good.
Monday was a day I like to refer to now as the day of “Blanket Gate 2017”. My Narcissistic self centered ex husband has taken the cake on this one. He sends the boy to the daycare with a blanket. It’s white and fuzzy. One side blank. The other side is full of pictures of him and the boy and my ex brother in law. It’s creepy as hell. And honestly I almost puked when I saw it. My son has become attached to it and obsessed in 24 hours. It’s now his most prized possession that my Ex said that “He couldn’t bare to make him part with it”. Ya know what? I call bull shit. It’s only “prized” because my overly competitive ex and his psychotic mother made it feel that way to the boy. They probably made a big “To do” about it and now the little guys THINKS it’s essential. It’s a fucking blanket. With ugly pictures. When I got home I kept it in his travel bag. Fuck that shit. Little guy was asking for it all night and I kept saying “No” and making up creative reasons for it’s absence and disguising my disgust for it. Finally it’s bed time.
“Mommy I need my new favorite blanket”
Nope. No. So much No. We Co-sleep. No way am I sleeping with that in my bed.
Just what you wanted right? Sleep in bed with a blanket covered in pictures of your ex husband! No it’s what nightmares are made of.
The next morning I texted my Ex. As politely as possible about this blanket. But I ended it with “If I see it again, I will burn it”.
Later I apologized. I even clarified. I sort of opened up to him. I told him this situation is an open wound for me still. He may have been able to just move on but I’m still dealing with it all and shoving that stupid blanket in my face is hurting me. I HATE letting him know that I am still not right. But it’s the truth. He gets some satisfaction of knowing he maybe fucked me up forever. Lucky him.
The little guy was already pukey Saturday and woke up Monday with screaming explosive D. So I’m stressed and sick of cleaning up gross smelling stuff. Feeling disheveled and having a legitimate anxiety issue about getting sick again.
I wanted a night with J. Bad. Just a night to laugh and be off in not mom mode. But nope Tonight he had to work. AGAIN. OK I know I need to move on. But I’m seriously stressed. Feeling overwhelmed and it would be cool to have a boyfriend who would make sure he could see me right? Instead of taking a 2 hour lunch that day, and showing up 3 hours late Monday… go to to work on time, and work!!!
Cried the whole way home. Wanted to call my Ex and ask him to put my old life back. I just want my normal boring ass life back.
I don’t mean it. I know it can’t ever go back. And knowing what I know now and being treated the way I am treated now. I know it’s not what I want.
But sometimes I go to that place where I miss my old simple life. Where it was boring but at least I knew what each day would bring. At least I was naive to the pain that could be inflicted on me. I had more friends then. A stupid blanket wouldn’t send me into a crazy shit fest. And I used to welcome a night of “me time”.