I’m trying to get the energy to go to the gym. But I’ve been laying here crying instead. I’m sapped. Everyone took what I had. Love. Energy. Time. Patience. Understanding. Even Money.
I haven’t felt this alone in a while. There are people home but I don’t want to talk to them.
Tonight my ex is taking the boy to their “new home” … his girlfriends place. In the city. He called me last night to tell me they are moving in. I cried. I know he heard me. It’s not that I care about him and I miss him. It’s just how it all happens. Like I take life slow, I’ve been with J for over a year and a half and I’m JUST talking about moving in … down the road more and my ex hasn’t been with this girl for a year or much longer and BOOM were moving in! Oh and they are buying a house together in 9 months when her lease is up so… my kid will be moving (potentially) 3 times in one year. Great.
Last night was Mom’s birthday. J blew me off again. Well in his defense he said to me “I think I am not coming” because my brother’s girlfriend is annoying and he had a bad day at work. And I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he isn’t coming. I should not have flipped out but the more angry he got with me for being bent, the more angry I got. Because this shit isn’t old new for me. And I am just tired of it.
My brother and his loud, overbearing know it all girlfriend pissed me off last night. So the birthday cake has icing on it.
I cried all day at work. Fucking embarrassing.
Went to get lunch today. Declined. Mom borrowed some money this week, didn’t know she was borrowing my entire paycheck.
So life is going to keep kicking me in the balls I don’t have.
I’m honestly tired of getting back up. So I’m just going to lay here in this pile of shit the universe is throwing at me.
I have no “girlfriend” I can call and vent to.
But my favorite work friend sent me a “hows it going” message, worried about me. So that felt good. He’s like my work therapist. I should think about paying him one day.
So my motivational bull shit about “choose to be happy” can go fuck itself because I CHOOSE to lay here in a pool of tears while my dumpster fire life rages on around me.