Heather’s Rules of Engagement

Obviously this is some forward thinking. Something that I had troubles doing. I got anxious looking into the future. Scared. When it all gets shaken up and turned upside down, the future is to uncertain to look at.

But the dust has settled and my new life is starting to fit better and better, Like a new pair of jeans. Let’s just hope once my “jeans” are broken in, it’ doesn’t fall apart. Again.

But I can’t think like that.

But with being divorced and dating and now in a serious relationship, the topic of marriage is back in my life. Before the perils of divorce, the thought of marriage was cute. It was fun. It was this right of passage I wanted and dreamed of.

But not now. No one aspires to have a better second marriage. No one dreams of how they will look when they marry their second husband, before they marry their first. Maybe they do. Whoever that person is, high five sister!

It’s funny for people around me to say “Oh you will marry J I know it”. Because they like my reaction. I dramatize my panic and fear for comedic purposes but it’s real. Because despite what I say and what others tell me, I know that my marriage failed because of me. It failed because of him too. But we both played a role in our demise. So I was thinking today at work when I googled “Unconventional rings” because I wanted to see happy shiny stuff. All I saw was engagement rings and I thought to myself “I wonder if I will wear one again…”

So then I thought, I hope so. I hope it’s with J, but I don’t see him as the type to go out and seek out a ring on his own accord. It’s not how he operates.

If I do marry J, I have some rules, steps I’d like to achieve.. Hence the title.

  1. The engagement would be long. We need to live together for over a year and be engaged just as long.
  2. I want a ring. I don’t want a traditional diamond ring. I am a phoenix built from the ashes of my old life. I am not a traditional girl, this is not a traditional life. I also don’t want a great deal of money spent. This is not about having something pretty. But I want that finger to say to people what I cannot. I have a man that loves me. I am taken, but I am free. I have a family. It sounds materialistic but when a woman has a ring on that finger it says “I am married” (Or will be) and they are treated differently. And I miss that.
  3. I want my boy to be old enough to give his consent. And to understand as much as possible what will be happening. So I’d like him to be about 6-8 years old.
  4. I don’t want a wedding in a church. I’d prefer City Hall. With our closest family and my boy.
  5. I don’t want a big white dress to do. I want a quiet celebration and I want to look nice but nothing over the top. Not even close to the top. But want it to have some character, to give us a good foundation for beautiful memories.
  6. I want us to write vows to each other. I want us to each sit down and think long and hard about what marriage means. What we promise to do for each other. How we plan to face adversity and challenges. I want us to put thought into what we are doing. Not go with the flow of some age old tradition with assumptions, following some pre-made script. March. Beat. Own. Drum. It’s how I roll.
  7. I want him to be able to make a promise to my boy. To assure him that our union would be just as much about him as it is about us.
  8. I want to talk about money. A lot. Expectations. Interventions. Who’s is what. When. Where. I want to talk about money until it hurts. I want to fight about it. I want us to work out the money kinks early. As I know that is what most call their “Demise”. I want to beat a dead horse.
  9. I want to define his role as an eventual “Step Parent” and discuss what I expect, he expects and even what my little guy would expect. (Hence waiting until he is old enough)
  10. I want to meet his mother, his sisters, his grandparents etc. I want to know his family. I want him to know mine. I want us to be one big ball of family. I know it’s not easy with them living in California, and us in New York. But somehow we need to find a way. I cannot marry a man and never meet his mother.

I realize this sounds idealistic. Maybe a little grand. But I don’t really care. I did it once, and I will not be divorced again. I am not so stupid as to believe that this all can prevent divorce. But if I will go through this all again, I want to do it my way. If he does not want to agree to any of the above ten items, we can talk about why. We can discuss. If he doesn’t want to even be married, I am open to that as well. But with compromise comes sacrifice and understanding. If he is to expect me to make great sacrifices,  and understand then I expect there will be times when he will need to do the same.

But damn it feels good to think about the future and really think. Not freak out. Not panic. Not cry. It just feels a little less scary. A lot more exciting.


One thought on “Heather’s Rules of Engagement

  1. Please don’t marry J. I know I don’t *know* you but the red flags are making themselves… *could* he bring himself to marry you (or anyone)? Yes. Would he be good partner to [anyone?] ANYONE? NO. Absolutely not.

    Take care of YOU. Get some boundaries in place for *yourself,* especially in regards to your family. They make J look like happiness when really, he’s just a lesser degree of unhappiness that your family gives you.

    What’s that meme?


    Liked by 1 person

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