How To Get Divorced Like a Graceful Unicorn, and Move on like the Champion You Know You Are.

LOL.

Sounded good though right?

I wanted to address this post (It’s been a while) to anyone who is in the trenches. Wondering and asking how the hell they will get through this. I am not expert but…

I have some hard to hear news. No one gets divorced like a graceful unicorn. Its more like a drunk baby giraffe. And that’s being generous because baby animals are cute. Nothing cute about this process.

In my limited one time experience with Divorce I learned some things. Pearls of wisdom you may want to call it. But there is no sugar coating on the pearls. These still have nasty oyster shit on them.

So I’ll try this again…

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How To Get Divorced Like a Drunk Newborn Baby Giraffe:

  • Cry. Cry a lot. Get it all out. It will feel good. SO GOOD. It will also hurt. So when you do cry make sure you have Tylenol for those post ugly cry headaches. Drink water and hydrate. And if you are a chick… buy new pillow covers (mascara stains are a total bitch). Feelings will be hurt. Lives shattered. Shit will be hard. Holding it all in is going to hurt more.
  • Strip Club. Do it. Boy or girl. Get yourself good and heavily socially lubricated and let it go. Let the DJ know you are celebrating a divorce. And watch them flock to you like flies to butter. I am a girl who likes men but loves looking at ladies. So I went to a lady strip club. And those girls were AWESOME to me. Boobs in face. Whispering their divorce stories in my ear. I was in good company. The lap dance was great. We talked about our war stories and laughed. It was a good forget about my problems night. Also I suggest Tylenol and water for this step too…
  • Call a friend. Mom. Dad. Sibling. Someone who will listen. Make sure you lean heavy on them. I mean HARD. Because that’s what they are there for. And one day you will need to return the favor maybe. But you won’t mind because that’s what we do right? Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t worry about judgement.
  • Try to do Mediation. Judges and fighting is messy. Long and drawn out. If you guys can get your shit together, trust a mediator to help. A judge doesn’t care and a judge doesn’t listen to your needs on a personal and individual basis. A mediator will help the two of you listen and consider each other on a human level.
  • Try not to throw too many low blows. I mean I am know saint here. I totally said he had a small (you know what). And he never gave me any pleasure. I mean I wasn’t lying TOO much. But you know despite being a cheating ass hole, he is still a human. If you have kids you have a long road of communicating, so remember to keep a level calm head. Or you risk that “Higher Ground” pedestal that you get after being lied to and cheated on. (or whatever… ) if you even had it. If you don’t… earn it. Don’t throw nasty low blows.
  • Don’t stalk the ex. This makes you look crazy. And if you get caught. You get called out and you look like a total dum dum. Also don’t stalk the other woman/man. Like taking off from work to find them and take pictures and look batshit crazy is not a likable trait. Most people suggest some sort of mental evaluation. NOW if you do this without getting caught. Bravo. But honestly it’s energy wasted. Put that energy into yourself. Go to the gym. Go get a cookie cake and a bag of gummy worms and binge watch Netflix. Make a bird house. Do something else.
  • Document everything though. Screen shot text messages. Save emails. Keep a journal of what is said. Keep an eye on the mail. Protect the shit out or yourself and your interests. (Without going crazy or looking crazy) You may need these to defend yourself. Or you may need them to remind the fucker that they DID cheat on you. (Seriously… the amnesia during the divorce talks was my favorite… “She was just a friend who I said I was leaving my wife for… I didn’t cheat”… yeah)
  • Forgive. The hardest one. That I work on Daily. And you will too. Let the hard shit go. Bury it. Have a funeral for that life. It’s gone. Time to start over.
  • My favorite bit of advice. Wake up. Everyday get your sad droopy ass out of bed. And say this out loud “I CHOOSE to make today a good day.” Seriously. It’s a choice. Not an easy one. But if you start your day with that reminder and you keep it in your pocket you stand a better chance at getting by than you would if you moped and chose to feel sorry for yourself. Take those walls keeping you from moving on and choosing to be happy and karate chop those fuckers down!
  • Run. Now I’m a little beefy. So this was HUGE. The only time I ran was from bees, water balloons and responsibility. So I chose to conquer this. I started walking and adding some running and slowly but surely I could run a full 5k in about 35 minutes. Each step of my foot on the pavement was a victory. I was putting all my anger and frustration into every step propelling me forward. I used to pretend the pavement was his face. If you can’t run try something else physical. Kick boxing, Zumba, whatever. But get off your ass and do something. Get pissed and take it out on something that will feel good. That will not get you arrested.
  • Try so so so hard not to be bitter. The divorce is a gift. You won’t know it until later. You will think you are over. You’re world has ended. How can you ever bounce back. And one day you will wake up. Like the sun after the storm if you want some cheesy cliche. You will realize that this new life thrust upon you is going to be great! It’s like if you were eating a burger with pickles everyday but you hate pickles. One day someone tells you “Do you want pickles?” and you can actually finally say “NO” finally because post divorce life is like Burger King, you finally get to have it your way. (I happen to love pickles and now want a burger…)
  • Accept that things will be hard (that’s what she said) but seriously… they will. If you have kids. NOTHING is easy now. The only way to make it smooth is to get along. You don’t have to be besties and hang out. But you do have to try to embrace this new life.
  • Compromise on things you think you can give on. Don’t stonewall. But stand up for yourself. You have to be your own advocate. I call myself a “Pussyfooter” I pussy foot around things all the time. I am nervous about hurting people. Even if they hurt me. And my divorce forced me to find a voice for myself. Still a hard point to tackle.

So you want to move on like a champion right?

Don’t dwell. Don’t wish for the old days. Don’t romanticize what was. 

Put yourself out there. But when you are ready. If you think you will sit at a bar and tell everyone who talks to you about your ex… you are not ready.

This may be really bad advice but it was my favorite thing I did to move on! Get some strange. One night stand. Never call again. Hook up. Obviously be safe. Use protection. But have some fun. Get your confidence back. And use that boost to propel yourself into your new life.

You are not damaged discarded goods. You are a mutha fuckin phoenix rising from the ashes ready to kick ass in your new 2.0 version. Remind yourself everyday that you are more than the divorce. You get a rare chance at a “Do over” and you can recreate yourself and your life and tailor it to you.

Divorce is shit. You will feel like shit. No way to know how long. Everyone heals and process it all at a different rate. There is no timeline for when it all feels better again. I’m two years in almost and I still cry. I still miss life when it was a little easier. But I love who I am now. I wear my scars and stories like little badges of honor. I kick ass and I take names. But I still question my part in it all. I still fall into ruts of regret and pain. But every day is a day of healing. And I am thankful for the gift I have been given. 

Don’t go into this expecting that this is easy. Don’t assume that you can do it on your own. And DO NOT neglect yourself. Get a therapist. Channel your anger into something. And be a humble bumble, ask for help and take it with grace. 

And last bit of advice:

Pee on his/her toothbrush. There is story somewhere in this blog about it. Promise you. It will feel good.

 

 

 

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