Lets just visit this topic real quick.
First: I am not a good friend. I am bad at calling and texting back. I like my alone time. I also have a kid. That makes on the fly socializing impossible. I am a scatter brain, I forget and I am flaky as fuck.
Second: I avoid confrontation. So if I sense there is a rumble of dissent, I do this thing I call “The dip”. I dip out. Radio silence.
I don’t have a best friend. Continue reading “Friends.”
Cliches annoy me. They roll too easy off the tongue and involve little thought. But they exist because they are mostly true.
They say that:
Home is where the heart is.
It’s like a stupid sign I would hang in the living room as a decoration. I had certainly bought into that idea without putting thought into. Like, yes my address where I live is also where my family lives. And until the divorce the idea of “Home” was simply a structure with walls and roof. A home was a thing you paint and fill. Something you pay for and something you can sell. Continue reading “Home.”
Lately I’ve been thinking.
Thoughts I’ve buried. Thoughts I’ve deemed too difficult to process.
And mix it with thoughts that counteract the trauma. The “Look how far I’ve come now” kind of thoughts.
I remember driving in the car. We dropped the boy off with mom and dad and making our way home to pack for a quick weekend trip to Chicago. It was my “Hail Mary” to save our marriage. Continue reading “My Worst Divorce Memory”
I have avoided this. I can do short term goals, no problem. Like:
- Wake up tomorrow
- Go one day with out crying
- Make someone laugh
- Don’t get take out this week
But as soon as I think long term, I clam up. Freak out. Cry a bit. Panic. Continue reading “Why does everyone want to know what my Goals are?”
I am so devastated.
I decided Friday I would make him dinner. I went to what was our home for 6 years and I made a quick meal. Simple. But filled with hope. I then showed up at his second job. I told him some hard to say things. I apologized for choosing to be angry with him. I apologized for my terrible words. I then told him I would not go to mediation. Mediation is for two people who agree they need to dissolve a marriage.
I don’t want to. I want my old bestfriend back. I want my life back. I want waking up, heading to breakfast as a family, packing up the jeep and going to the lake, I want those late nights watching tv together talking about our day. I want the hustle and bustle of our crazy little life. I want the partner he promised to be. I want the person I have known for 11 years.
I am going to fight until a judge tells me to give up. Continue reading “I Can’t Stop Looking Back. Wanting. Hoping. Praying.”